Are Dogs the New Black Dudes?

Once upon a time in America, horror and war movies often implemented the Black Dude Dies First trope. But times have changed, for the better. Audiences won't stand for that racist bullshit. You can't go killing off Denzel Washington or Morgan Freeman or Will Smith just because they're black. While this is absolutely a good thing, someone has to pick up the slack in these kinds of movies. Someone has to die in these movies.

So who suffers?

My family doesn't watch many scary movies because my older son Alex is a sniveling coward. Catherine, Ian and I like them, so it's always a treat when we get to hunker down and put one on. I'm definitely not a horror movie aficionado though. Usually when I mention a horror movie I've seen to someone who really likes horror movies-- usually one of my students-- she'll be like: "That's not scary!"

I get scared by pretty much anything (especially Blair Witch and Paranormal Activities).

The other night, Alex elected to go upstairs and pirate some Star Wars spin-off series called The Mandalorian (which sounds like a citrus fruit) so Catherine, Ian and I watched The Babadook.

It's really scary!

Terrifying.

It's the story of a mom who is possessed by the physical disembodiment of her tragic grief. And her super-creepy kid. And an even creepier children's book. There are some mean Australian moms, too-- a macabre Liane Moriarty milieu. It's well acted and vivid, and-- in the end-- profound about death and loss. A good scare and a good film.

My only complaint is the use of the dog.

There's all kinds of creepy shit happening around this house. Doors opening and closing, odd figures lurking in the shadows, sleepless nights, etc.  Most of the time, the dog is nowhere to be found. That's not how dogs are. They are investigative. They take up a lot of space. They are always underfoot. And whenever there's something weird happening, your dog is there. Loyal, curious, and wanting to be involved. But not this dog. Not Bugsy. Bugsy is rarely in the scene, and never when the shit is going down. And the boy and the mom aren't actively bringing the dog into the room when things get scary. 

Bugsy is barely even mentioned in the full cast on IMDB. It's a shame.

One of the main reasons to have a dog is to ward off ghosts and demons. There's no better feeling than going to sleep on the same floor as a trusty canine. If a burglar, or -- far worse-- a shadowy death-creature arisen from repressed bereavement, comes a-knocking, your dog is going to get after it. Or at least bark and run around in circles.

Not only does Bugsy not act like a dog, there's also no accurate portrayal of dog ownership. No walking and feeding the dog, no picking up its poop and all that. 

Soon enough, you realize why the dog is in the movie. 

                      

To die. 

It's not that sad, because the dog hasn't been a main character. It's not like what happens in I Am Legend. That's tragic.

                                  

The death of the dog in The Babadook is more perfunctory. And inevitable. The dog is the new black dude. I guess that's progress, but instead of being racist, the movie is speciesist. 

Ian and I also had this complaint about another horror movie we loved, The Conjuring. Early in the movie, Sadie the family dog refuses to enter the new house . . . because she knows the house is haunted. At this point, the family should up and leave. Trust your dog! But instead, they leash her outside the house and enter. 

When they check on her in the next morning, she's dead.

                           

As if this isn't awful enough, they barely mention her death the rest of the movie. I actually think they wrote the dog into the script after the movie was finished and then added the scene in post-production, just so they could have an early death. 

If this were my family, and we spent a night in a spooky new house-- a house that our dog refused to enter-- and then the next morning our dog was dead, that's all we'd be talking about. We'd be broken up and upset and angry and investigative. Every time something weird happened in the house, we'd be bringing up Sadie and how she died and how she wasn't around the protect us. That would be THE topic of conversation.

I know it's tough to use children and animals in movies. Horror movies often employ both. The kids are great in both The Conjuring and The Babadook. And neither movie kills off any black dudes. That's great. But now it's time to show respect for our four-legged friends. They require a lot of work. They take up a lot of space. They investigate everything. And they will protect you from the supernatural like nobody's business.

Pain Turns Dave into A Troglodyte

At Midori-- the sushi place in town-- they give you green tea in a squat, thick-walled cup.

When I picked it up to take a sip, I burned the palm of my hand. It hurt so much that all I could blurt out (to the amusement of my family) was, "Rock-bowl hot!"

My son Alex said that the pain turned me into caveman. 

Staunton and Beyond: A Deadly Hike, Breweries, and Cider Houses

The rest of our trip to Staunton was a bit more relaxing than the first two days. The day after our epic hike up Elliots Knob it rained, so we headed east past Waynesboro to hit some of the many breweries and ciders that litter this area.

First, we went across the Blue Ridge Parkway to Route 151 to visit the Blue Mountain brewery. The fog was epic. No visibility. Pea soup. We made it, but it was scary. The Blue Mountain set up is impressive: great beer, huge restaurant, several bars, indoor and outdoor seating, etc. The place was packed! Great atmosphere.

I only had exactly one beer though because I wanted to get back to Waynesboro in exactly one piece. The bartender was helpful-- he had comprehensive knowledge about every bar and brewery in Staunton and Waynesboro and beyond.

We took his advice and we headed back through the fog to Basic City Beer. This place is in a metalworks warehouse on the outskirts of Waynesboro. The beer is excellent, I especially liked the 6th Lord IPA. The warehouse is huge and has shuffleboard, corn hole, giant TVs, ping-pong, pinball machines, video games, etc. Great place to bring the family.

And they have a kitchen cooperative, a place that was once a food truck and had now moved into the warehouse. Hops Kitchen.

I broke my New Year's Resolution (even though it was before 2020) and had some pork, on these pulled pork nachos, which were ridiculous.

I also beat my wife at Bananagrams, which is not easy.

We then walked across the parking lot to Blue Toad Cider House. Good stuff. We bought some to bring back. Jersey hasn't started making good cider yet (that I know of).

Then back to Staunton. We ate at The Mill Street Grill. A low-ceilinged wood paneled place that feels quite high end, attentive service, great menu, and all that, but the prices are reasonable. Highly recommended.

The next day the weather was ridiculous. It was drizzling, but over 60 degrees. The weather report said the rain was going to stop, so we packed up the dog and headed to Crabtree Falls. We were a little worried about the state of the trail because so much rain had come down, and apparently people die on this hike all the time. All the time! Over thirty people! And pets die too.

We took the scenic route, which may have been 30 seconds fast on Waze, but was also 30 times more dangerous. Incredible windy road.

The rain stopped as we started hiking. I was in shorts and a t-shirt. While you can see how people die on this trail-- as there are a lot of really dangerous spots to take selfies-- if you follow the advice on the signs then you most definitely will not die. The trail is well marked and there are overlooks with sturdy railing intermittently. People must really do some sill stuff on a regular basis to keep up the death toll.

I was able to let Lola off the leash for a good portion of the trail, and just reeled her in and leashed her at the spots that looked like certain death. Catherine proclaimed that Crabtree Falls is her Number #1 Waterfall hike in the world. It is impressive. A lot of viewpoints and the falls are endless. It is billed as the longest waterfall east of the Mississippi.

After hiking the falls, we headed to Devil's Backbone Brewery Basecamp on 151. This is an amazing location: restaurant, meadows, outdoor seating, cafes, etc. The weather had become spring-break-like.  The staff was NOT prepared. The outdoor bar wasn't open and the place was utterly packed. The poor bartender was in the weeds! We were able to grab a beer and sit outside with the dog. Beer was great, this would be a great place to return when it's fully staffed and ready. 

                             

Next stop was Bold Rock Cider. This was our favorite place. We returned the next day-- it was colder as you can see by my wife's attire-- and sat and tasted ciders. 

                       

We eventually sat by the fire and talked to a pretty older mom--a Southern belle-- and her firebrand of a daughter. People in the south are so chatty. The mom had a nursing story about a quadrapelgic who was put into that tragic state by . . . you guessed it: Crabtree Falls! 

We also visited Wild Wolf Brewery, which had great beer and food. You could make a whole vacation of hiking and visiting breweries and cider houses on 151. The places are all spacious, and kid and dog friendly.

This was the only sad part of our vacation. 

Here's a shot of Staunton from above the train station. Really a great town to wander, with so many historic sites and buildings.

On our way to the breweries on 151, we did some driving on Skyline Drive through Shenandoah National Park and the Blue Ridge Parkway. 

It was windy.

Lots of scenic overlooks.

A great winter break trip with my lovely wife . . .

And our silly dog . . .

We made great time driving back to Jersey (because we left at 6:30 AM on New Year's Day . . . that's the way to do it). We walked into the house and it smelled weird. My parents had picked the kids up after we left for Virginia. They closed up the house. Ian left a bowl full of noodles on the counter, which had gone rotten. It smelled upstairs as well. One of them had urinated and did not bother to flush. That stuff fermented, yuck. Back to reality.

We picked the kids up that evening. My wife, myself, and the dog were happy to see them (and smell them). But the break was nice.

Duct Tape and Banana Man vs. Dr. Octopus Shoe

You've probably heard about Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan's piece "The Comedian." If you haven't, here's the skinny on it: it's a post-modern absurdity consisting of a ripe banana duct-taped to a gallery wall. 

It sold for $ 120,000.

Very silly.

Last night, my son Ian also artistically expressed himself in a playfully post-modern way. He painted an octopus on his shoe.

Perhaps if he duct-tapes an apricot to the other shoe, the pair will be worth some dough.

Dave's 2019 Book List

Another year, another book list . . .

I read forty books in 2019-- a number which seems about average-- and for the most part, I kept it eclectic: fiction, non-fiction, genre stuff, graphic novels, economics, history, and even some self-help. My friend and fellow English teacher Kevin pointed out that I don't read enough books by women. While I definitely consume some chick-lit every year, he is right. Only six of the forty books were by women authors (but several of the books by men are about women, so that should count for something). I might remedy this in 2020 . . . but I might not. Books are one of the few things in life that you have control over. If books by women appeal to me, I'll read them. If not, Kevin can fuck off.

I did go down a couple of rabbit holes.

I read the entire Remembrance of Earth's Past trilogy by Cixin Liu . . . and it wasn't easy. I'm quite proud of this and highly recommend these books to diehard sci-fi fans. I also read four mystery novels set in Wyoming. I don't know how this happened, but I really enjoyed the Longmire stuff by Craig Johnson.

I wrote about my seven favorite books of the year over at Gheorghe:The Blog, so you can check that post out if you like, but if you want just one book to read, here it is:

Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe.

This selection may be a result of the serial positioning effect, but the best book I read in 2019 is the last book I read in 2019.

The book is about the Troubles in Northern Ireland, mainly during the 1970s and 1980s, but there is a frame story that is completely topical. The story is scary and compelling and violent and incredibly researched. It will dispel any romanticized notions you have about the IRA. The British are portrayed as no better.

These books provided a lot of material for me to write about. If it wasn't for books, my dog, my wife, and my absurd children, this blog would have died long ago.

Thank you books!

1) The Fifth Risk by Michael Lewis

2) An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green

3) The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu

4) God Save Texas: A Journey into the Soul of the Lone Star State by Lawrence Wright

5) Marching Powder: A True Story of Friendship, Cocaine, and South America's Strangest Jail by Rusty Young (and Thomas McFadden)

6) The Dark Forest by Cixin Liu

7) The Tears of Autumn by Charles McCarry

8) The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester

9) Death's End by Cixin Liu

10) Atomic Habits by James Clear

11) Dopesick: Dealers, Doctors, and The Drug Company That Addicted America by Beth Macy

12) Glasshouse by Charles Stross

13) Educated by Tara Westbrook

14) The Silk Roads by Peter Frankopan

15) Redshirts by John Scalzi

16) Skin in the Game: Hidden Asymmetries in Daily Life by Nicholas Nassim Taleb

17) The Cold Dish by Craig Johnson

18) The Walking Dead 31: The Rotten Core by Robert Kirkman

19) The Walking Dead 32: Rest in Peace by Robert Kirkman

20) The Dark Horse by Craig Johnson

21) FreeFire by C.J. Box

22) Old Man's War by John Scalzi

23) Hell is Empty by Craig Johnson

24) Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

25) The Sins of the Fathers by Lawrence Block

26) Ask Again, Yes by Mary Beth Keane

27) Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life by Gary John Bishop

28) The Last Colony by John Scalzi

29) Locke and Key by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez

30) Mrs. Bridge by Evan S. Connell

31) Prisoners of Geography: Ten Maps That Explain Everything About the World by Tim Marshall

32) The Turn of the Key by Ruth Ware

33) Real Tigers by Mick Herron

34) Fentanyl, Inc.: How Rogue Chemists Are Creating the Deadliest Wave of the Opioid Epidemic by Ben Westhoff

35) Slow Horses by Mick Herron

36) Giants of the Monsoon Forest by Jacob Shell

37) Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About The People We Don’t Know by Malcolm Gladwell

38) Fleishman Is in Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner

39) Original Gangstas: The Untold Story of Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Tupac Shakur, and the Birth of West Coast Rap by Ben Westhoff

40) Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland by Patrick Radden Keefe

Nothing Says Happy New Year Like a Deconstructed Bird

I'll do all my normal New Year's blog stuff soon enough: my 2019 book list, perhaps a resolution or two, but I'm too tired for that today. We drove all the way back from Staunton this morning, and while there wasn't any traffic (unlike the way there) it was still a five and a half hour haul, and I don't do very well in enclosed spaces.

Anyway, the house was still intact and there was a good omen for the New Year in the backyard: what seems to be an exploded/spontaneously combusted bird. No carcass, just feathers.

If you know how to read pattern, you can predict the 2020 presidential election. It's certainly obvious to me, but I don't want to ruin it for anyone.

Staunton . . . An Epic Day 2

Saturday morning, I walked Lola to Gypsy Hill Park. Like everything in Staunton, the park is very well maintained. But that doesn't mean they can get away with a pun like this:

In case you can't tell, on the swimming club grounds, there are hundreds of decorative deer. And a banner that reads:

Field of Deer . . . in Honor or in Memory of Our Dear Ones

Puns are not appropriate for sentiments like that.

The weather was crazy warm, so we headed out to hike Elliots Knob. At over 2400 feet, this mountain is one of the highest in Virginia. We didn't figure on doing all 8.5 miles-- the description said that would take at least five and a half hours-- but we wanted to at least see the waterfalls and a couple of good views of the valley.

Then we talked to an old guy with a couple of hunting dogs in a truck at the trailhead.  He said we'd have no problem making it to the top. I told Catherine I would consider going all the way, but if after two hours we were still walking uphill, I was heading down. That seemed reasonable.

Soon enough, we saw some waterfalls. This was when we were on the Falls Hollow Trail.

On and on we hiked, higher up the mountain and deeper into the woods. An animal poked its head onto the trail and Lola ran it off. I thought it looked like a small wild German Shepherd. Cat thought it might have been a large gray fox. 

Later on the hike, with the help of some locals, we learned that the animal was actually a coyote. In the Blue Ridge Mountains, coyotes look like this:

Lovely Blue Ridge Coyote

This coyote behaved like a proper wild animal and ran away when it saw humans and a dog. That's why we had trouble identifying it. We are used to Jersey coyotes, and they don't behave at all. They bite people and dogs alike, and they will stand their ground until the police shoot them.

They also look mangier . . .

Dirty Jersey Coyote

As we went up, the weather kept getting hotter and hotter. The trail widened and there were many views. Our mood was optimistic about making it to the top. I even took an artistic selfie of Cat and me.

Artistic selfie by Dave

Then we left the woods and hit the final stretch to the top: a gravel fire road which some folks we met described as "very steep." They advised us to take frequent breaks. The Falls Hollow trail through the woods was no longer navigable, so if we wanted to get to the fire tower at the top, we had to head up this road. We had only been hiking for an hour and twenty minutes, and though we were tired, I figured we would make it to the top in my two-hour window. So off we went.

Walking up the gravel fire road was brutal, but the top seemed so close. We just kept trudging away. Lola was fine. Four legs are better than two. We passed the two-hour mark, but we were so close that we kept going. It took us 2.5 hours to get to the tippy top. My legs hurt and I felt old.

Then I saw some actual old people at the base of the fire tower. They were making soup. It was inspirational. They said they came up in all kinds of weather. They were decked out in serious gear and had a lot of cooking equipment. They were having a grand time. We chatted with them for a while-- they had seen the production of Midsummer Nights Dream we were going to see-- and they taught us how to pronounce Staunton properly (don't say the "u"). They also convinced me to climb the fire tower-- I was done climbing but they said the view was worth it. Cat and I both did it and they were correct.

Whew

Going down the fire road was painful . . . way too steep, but once we got into the woods we flew down the rest of the way. We passed the young couple that started ahead of us, the girl was holding the small of her back as she walked and she said she was really feeling it.

We drove back to Staunton and stopped at Queen City Brewing, a brewpub with outdoor seating right by our place. We sat outside and had some delicious celebratory beers and talked to some locals. We learned that it's near impossible to buy any houses in central Staunton-- no one is selling-- and that if you do own one of those houses, you can't breathe on it the wrong way. Everything has to be historically accurate and such. We learned this from some retirees. They loved the town and the vibe.

Then we talked with a couple of Harley guys. They were youngish, wearing black leather, sported beards, and appeared to be tough motherfuckers. But one of them was quite chatty. He said he didn't know our politics and wouldn't hazard a guess-- which we found hysterical-- a couple hiking with a dog from New Jersey, excited to see a Shakespeare play should sound off some liberal alarms, but he forged ahead and started talking about how he didn't like the direction the town was going.

He was worried Staunton was going to enact some gun control laws that wouldn't allow AR-15s and handguns that could hold more than ten bullets. The surrounding counties had become "Second Amendment Sanctuaries,"-- an interesting play on that word-- but he was worried Staunton was going to become like Charlottesville. Liberal! We told him we didn't have much of a gun culture up in central New Jersey and we didn't really know the ins and outs of these laws. Sometimes it's best not to express your opinion.

Then we talked about the terrible state of I-81-- he was a truck driver-- and how he had lived in Baltimore for a while and it wasn't to his liking. His answer for most things-- crime in the cities, the deer population in New Jersey, coyotes, etc-- was more guns. But he was real nice about it. Through this entire discussion, his large bearded buddy said nothing. I think he mumbled something one time about what middle school he attended, but that was it. He just sat there and looked intimidating.

When we got in the car and started driving up the hill to our house, Cat and I parsed the whole weird interaction. Then we both said at once: "His friend was Silent Bob!"

Cat checked her phone and got a sad message. The play was canceled! The old couple on top of the mountain told us some of the cast was sick, and they were using understudies, so the sickness must have spread. We were disappointed, but also insanely tired and hungry. We hadn't eaten since breakfast. We went to Baja Bean Company for delicious and cheap Mexican food and then came home and watched a movie. While we missed watching with the kids, it was nice to select something without having a forty-five-minute debate, which is de rigueur for our house.

We watched Good Time, the movie by the same writers as Uncut Gems. Both highly recommended, if you can tolerate incredibly fast-paced bad decision making-- to the point where you want to bury your head in your hands and stop watching.

Everyone slept well-- including the dog-- after an epic day two in Staunton. Catherine actually got some sun on her chest it was so warm.

Jersey to Staunton: We Should Have Taken the Train!

For the second winter break in a row, my parents were nice enough to take the kids to Florida, giving Catherine, the dog and I the chance to take a trip of our own.

Last year we headed north to New Paltz and this year our destination is south: Staunton, Virginia, a town in the valley between George Washington/Thomas Jefferson National Forests and Shenandoah National Park.

The drive was brutal. I thought we were headed out to the country, but apparently, I-81 is a total two-lane shitshow, especially on a Friday when people are traveling. We left at 10 AM, thinking we would avoid rush hour. Never again. Six hours of bumper to bumper traffic. Lola was in the back, and I was impressed that she didn't puke, but she was definitely dazed from the stop and go (as was I). I thought it would be more like the drive to Vermont: the farther you drive, the more the Jersey/New York traffic fades and the forests begin, but it turned out to be like the drive to Cape Cod: steady traffic and then more traffic (but add lots and lots of trucks, and very narrow lanes and abundant construction). This road is a sore spot among the folks that live out here. It needs to be three lanes.

Staunton-- or should I say "Stanton" . . . we found out that you pronounce it without the "u"-- is a beautifully preserved smallish mountain town (24,000). We are staying in an Airbnb on the top of one of the hills above downtown. It's a beautiful place with fantastic views, but when you are at the top of the hill and you walk to town (or Gypsy Hill Park) then you've got to get back UP the hill on your way home. It's fine to walk up after a few beers, but as my wife remarked, "I wouldn't want to walk this drunk!"

The first night in town we wandered about and ate at the Byers Street Bistro. Good place. I tried to start on my New Year's Resolution early (eat less meat) and so I had the fried green tomato sandwich. Awesome. We had Brussell sprouts for an appetizer, and they were also delicious, but not vegetarian. Lots of bacon! Oh well . . . I'm trying to eat less meat, not no meat at all.

Then we went to Redbeards Brewing Company, one of the many, microbreweries in the area. The beer was kind of nuts-- Catherine had to pour out her bourbon barrel-aged amber with a bunch of stuff in it.  Luckily, it was sixty degrees and we were sitting outside, so her beer was easy to dispose of. The moral here: when there are too many words in a beer description, don't order it!

Staunton is a boutique town. There's a restored historic train station-- a working train station with a train to Richmond-- and there are British tourists wandering around. It is an incredibly scenic place. There was a long wait at the restaurant in the train station and Catherine overheard a British family discussing the queue. The dad said, sincerely: "This is what we could do, during the wait, to make it enjoyable . . . we could walk about town, conversing with each other and making the time pass . . ."

And then the mom chimed in, "And we could look at the many Christmas lighting displays!"

And the children heard this and did not murder their parents. The Brits are so civilized.

Interesting fact: we could have taken a train from Trenton to Staunton. Seven hours and twelve minutes. Longer than the car ride, but less treacherous. It would have been tough with the dog and all but it's an interesting option for those of you who are dogless and want to see this place. It's certainly a walking town and you could rent bikes or something to get farther afield.

Though we were without the kids, Lola more than picked up the slack. She was up most of the night, pacing and carsick. She finally vomited a bit at 3 AM. Catherine went and slept in the downstairs bedroom. I consoled Lola until she fell asleep. I think she was overwhelmed from all the new smells in the house-- it's a dog-friendly Airbnb, and that combined with the ride screwed her up.

Tomorrow's post-- Day 2-- will be much more action-packed.

Dog Food Foibles Redux

My son Alex's penultimate attempt to feed the dog was ugly. He mangled a can. The twisted metal monstrosity that he created was sharp and dangerous.

His last feeding foray was also a debacle, but less perilous and more annoying. His task was to pour the dry food into the bin. While he did get all the grain-free nuggets into the container-- and I commended him for this-- I did have to ask him one simple question.

Where is the scooper? You know, the plastic scooper that is used to measure and pour the dog food into the bowl?

I present the bin and the food. No scooper to be found.

He buried it, of course, poured a mountain of dried dog food right on top of it. This situation is less dangerous than a razor-sharp can in the fridge, but it still smacks of rash incompetence. Alex did have a snappy comeback to my assessment. He said: "It's like when there's a prize at the bottom of the cereal box and you have to eat all the cereal before you get the prize!"

Dishes: To Soak or Not To Soak?

Before you wash the dishes-- or load them into the dishwasher-- do you give them a good soak? Before you take arms against a set of filthy pots and pans, do you let them marinate for a while? Or do you jump right in and clean them immediately?

To soak or not to soak?

While I'm well aware of the issue with dividing people into exactly two categories, there are occasions when it's necessary to boil things down to black and white.

Some people fill their gas tank when it gets a bit low, other folks love to drive around on fumes.

And some people are "soakers" while others are "immediate washers." There is no in-between.

Giving the dishes a purposeful (and artful) soak

After a heated discussion at a holiday party, it seems that most men are soakers. If I were going to be sexist, I would say this has to do with the fact that men have a better knowledge of chemistry and thus understand that water is "the universal solvent." Water dissolves more substances that any other liquid on earth. It is the enemy of many part of your abode-- your roof, foundation, wiring, sheetrock, carpet and wood flooring . . . but water is the friend of clean dishes.

Women are pursuing STEM fields more than ever, so I'm going to assume that they know the chemical potential of letting things soak in water. So it must be something else.

I am a soaker, of course. Dirty dishes? Science to the rescue!

Time + water = cleaner dishes

My wife is not a "soaker." She scoffs at soaking and considers it lazy. When the dishwasher is empty and I plop a dish in the sink and fill it with water, this irritates her to no end. Perhaps this is the root of the dilemma. Non-soakers like to get right to the task. Get 'er done! My friend Terry, one of the few males who is not a soaker, said that instead of soaking he just "applies a bunch of force with a sponge." To me, it seems silly to use force when you don't need to . . . if he just let those pans soak for a few days, he wouldn't need to use any force at all. I should also point out that Terry puts cream and sugar in his coffee, so he barely represents the typical male.

One particularly masculine dude said that one of the reasons he needed to soak the dishes was that when he was done with dinner, he needed to "have a lie down." I think this is reasonable; after a hearty meal, who wants to stick their hands into a wet stack of dishes when they could repose on the couch?

So with some skillful balancing, some artful arrangement of the pots, pans, dishes, and utensils, you can make the water work for you, while you have your digestive "lie down." Then you're doing your work while you're supine! Isn't that the goal?

The dishwasher isn't going to get peanut butter off a spoon, or yogurt and peanut butter out of a bowl. It's not going to clean a pan with charred food remnants. So you can either dig in, apply some force, and get your hands moist and dirty . . . or you could pour a bit of water in there and give everything a good soak. Then, while you are going about your business, the miracle of the universal solvent is happening right in your kitchen. And you don't need to supervise.

Soakers aren't lazy, they're smart, but the most commonly posed rebuttal to soaking posed by non-soakers is that soakers are just procrastinating in the hopes that someone else-- most likely a woman . . . or Terry-- will come along and do the dishes. While this is certainly a possibility, it's not the primary reason for soaking. This is just an (unfortunate) side effect. I really want to do the dishes . . . after they soak for a bit, so it's not so much of a chore. I think most soakers feel the same way. If non-soakers are so wound up to do a chore, instead of heroically swooping in and doing the dishes that are soaking, they should organize the tupperware or match socks or some other task that doesn't interrupt the scientific process happening in the sink. But this won't happen, because in this case, there really are two kinds of people:

1) people who can let the dishes soak, let the food decay, let the universal solvent work while you sleep, and

2) people who just have to get it done, no matter how much physical exertion the task requires.

One For the Teachers?

If you're feeling good about being an educator, about inspiring students, giving them a leg up in life, preparing them for the future, then you might want to listen to "They' Schools" by the confrontationally radical hip-hop duo Dead Prez. The lyrics are intense, angry, polemic, and a bit crass, but they are a reminder that whatever you're teaching probably isn't exactly what your students need.

And even if it is, they still might not be buying it.

A Man A Plan A Can . . . Yikes

My fifteen year old son Alex created this post-modern monstrosity while trying to open a can of dog food.

I might have chalked it up to his left-handedness, if he hadn't tried to open the wrong side of the can. 

You and I can tell it's the wrong side of the can because we're literate; we'd want to have the words right side up before we attacked the can with the opener. I'm pretty sure my son can read (he is a sophomore) but even if he can't, he might have noticed that the dog on the label was upside down. 

Does Gangsta Rap Get a Bad Rap?

Ben Westhoff's book Original Gangstas: The Untold Story of Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Tupac Shakur, and the Birth of West Coast Rap might be a little too involved, comprehensive, and detailed to be considered light reading, but if you want the whole tragic  story-- all the ins and outs and what-have-you's-- that led to the murders of Tupac and Biggie, then this is it.

Suge Knight, the founder of Death Row Records, is prominent-- and representative of the oddball mix of artistic ingenuity, ambition,  dynamism, and street ethics that came to a head in the 90's hip-hop world. The book is also a reminder of how much money was involved-- artists were still selling millions of CDs.

Because of the money, there are a lot of hip-hop artists involved in the East Coast/West Coast gangsta rap panoply. For example, here are the MCs and the Lil's from the index:

MCs

MC Breed, MC Domino, MC Hammer, MC Ren, MC Roxanne, MC Scarface, MC Shan, MC Eiht

Lil's

Lil' 1/2 Dead, Lil' Cease, Liil' Coco, Lil' Coco, Lil' Kim, Little Shawn

There are so many conglomerations of artists and bands that the plot gets daunting, but in the end, the takeaway is this: a lot of these artists got into hip-hop to escape the streets, and many of them-- especially Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Snoop, and Tupac-- were incredibly talented, but the East Coast/West Coast silliness actually reversed cause and effect and these artists became more and more "gangsta" when they achieved their ambitions. The money and the entourages and the drugs and sex and hedonism, the attempts to "keep it real," and the influence of gang members all led to a wild intersection of cultures . . . and real violence. The other takeaway is that Eazy-E had ten kids by eight different women. Impressive (but he dies of AIDS, which . . . not so much).

Westhoff doesn't think Tupac and Biggie's murders will be solved. The investigations were rather shoddy-- especially when the police conspiracy was debunked-- and now most of the key witnesses are dead (often by violence).

Russell Poole said, "If this was Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra who got murdered, there would have been arrests a long time ago." He's probably right.

As a dude from the suburbs, gangster rap fascinates me. It's raw and wild. It's certainly left our popular culture more crass and sexual and violent. It's often sexist. But, as Westhoff concludes, "gangsta rap also helped disenfranchised people gain a voice . . . the prevailing wisdom was black entertainers were supposed to act proper, and that same logic applied to black people generally.Even if the situations they grew up in were marked by poverty, crime, injustice, and squalor, they were expected to present themselves as if nothing was wrong . . . they took the experience of the inner city and made it understandable to people who had never set foot there. Gangsta rap, more than any other art form, made black life a permanent part of the American conversation."

Reading the book will inspire you to go back in time and listen. I constantly had my phone out, and switched between The Chronic, N.W.A., Snoop, Souls of Mischief, and Pharsyde. But no Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. Worst name and I really don't dig their music, though they kept cropping up in the book.

Anyway, go back and listen to some of it. You'll cringe, but the beats are great, the flow is fluid, and this may be the art form that defines our times.

Seven Books for Reading

If you'd like to see my top seven books for 2019, head over to Gheorghe:The Blog . . . I think I've been doing this particular Gheorghemas post for nearly a decade-- which is a lot of book recommendations-- at this point, I should probably compile a meta-list of the top books of the decade . . . perhaps I will do that at the end of 2020.

The Snakeskin Shirt

Today I present you with the miraculously serendipitous sequel to "The Scarlet Sweater." The blessed event happened on the same day as my revelation that Ugly Xmas Sweaters are the spawn of the Satanic Mill. Coincidental? I think not.

A senior girl walked into my 4th period College Writing class and she was wearing a shirt with a fantastic reptilian pattern.

"You're a lizard!" I said, excited. I love lizards

"It's not a lizard, it's a diamondback rattlesnake pattern," she said. "I got it from SHEIN for five dollars!"

"Five dollars?"

"FIVE dollars!"

"You need to listen to this."

This was the best set-up for a clip in my entire teaching career. Just perfect. I told the class the good news about the five dollar shirt and then I played this Maria Bamford bit for them (I transcribed it as well).

Joy Whack-a-mole

This is a little game you can play with your friends and family-- if you don't already play it-- in my family we call it Joy Whack-a Mole . . ..somebody brings up something they're really happy about and the other person tries to SLAM IT DOWN!

I was playing with my dad and I was like: 

"Dad check out this new top!"

"Ooh that's very nice."

 "Guess how much?"

"I don't know, fifty bucks?"

"No, Five!"

"Jesus, that's a good deal."

"You got that right, it's like 'five bucks,' how do they do it?"

"Ooh, I was reading about that . . . slavery! You put the manufacturing out in these countries and there's no labor laws, human rights violations, no environmental protection, and then that they pass that saving on to you."

The Scarlet Sweater

I try to keep my Xmas Ranting at a minimum (except in Philosophy class, where we always read my favorite Dave-Xmas-Rant themed short story "The Ones That Walk Away From Omelas" and discuss child labor laws and pathological First World consumption and Third World environmental devastation in a utilitarian framework).

But Friday something I heard in the English Office set me off. It was officially "ugly Christmas sweater day" and lots of folks were participating in this administratively sanctioned event (it might have been called "ugly Holiday sweater day" to preserve the separation of Church and State . . . I'm not sure).

Anyway, at first my attitude was "whatever." If people like this kind of thing, who am I to criticize? I haven't worn a sweater since the 90s because they're itchy and hot and the sleeves are stupid. But maybe some people like being itchy and hot and dipping their sleeves covered into their lunch while they're eating it.

Then I saw something that piqued my interest. A couple of people were wearing ugly Xmas hoodies, and this was something new. Kristyna, a fellow English teacher, was wearing an incredibly ugly hoody. Just hideous. It was covered in very detailed, photographic quality Xmas ornaments. It was busy and loud and had that plastic sheen of a new hoodie made of some fabric that was more fossil-fuel than cotton.

I asked her how she acquired it and she said her dad had bought it, possibly as a joke, but it didn't fit him. We chatted about sizes and the ugliness of the hoody and then it struck me:

He bought it as a joke?

All of these ugly sweaters were bought as jokes. To be worn once. Yuck.

Yikes.

In America, we're so rich and entitled and wasteful and profligate and materialistic that we buy things as jokes. Instead of making jokes, with words-- and by the way, words don't consume any fossil fuels-- we buy jokes. Silly mugs and tchotchkes and ugly sweaters. It's bad enough that we buy all the stuff that we "need." But we also buy stuff that we don't need. And then-- in a final spasm of determination to consume every resource on this planet-- we buy jokes.

I had just watched this episode of Patriot Act, so I was a bit wound up about American clothing consumption.

We buy so so many clothes in America it's actually disgusting. They're made in Asia, and it's an environmental nightmare. Clothes take a lot of water to make. They pollute the water. They release toxic fumes in the air. The dyes are damaging to the environment. The workers toil in windowless rooms full of these fumes. They are often young and underpaid. But we're addicted to fast fashion and cheap clothes. So be it. I understand the motivation, to look good, and to look various. I'm always appreciative when my wife or the ladies in the English office are well-dressed. I wear the same clothes over and over again and it's boring. I get it. Not everyone wants to be boring. For some people, fashion is a hobby, an expression of who they are. Fine.

But do we need to buy clothing as a joke?

I think that "ugly sweater day" is a place to draw the line in the sand. If your workplace has one, rant a bit, indignantly. Tell people to watch Patriot Act "The Ugly Truth of Fast Fashion." And tell them to start wearing that scarlet sweater-- that shameful symbol of First World materialism run rampant-- more than one day a year. Own it and appreciate it for exactly what it is.

Trouble Sorting out the Fleishman's Trouble

Taffy Brodesser-Akner's popular new novel Fleishman is in Trouble has been splendidly reviewed across the internet, so I will be brief. The book begins as a compelling divorce tale, told by a third party-- Libby, the ex-magazine writer.

If you continue there will be spoilers, as the book has a mystery element to it.

Libby is Toby's old friend, and she sympathetic to his plight. We learn that Toby is taking care of his two kids, saving lives as a hepatologist, navigating the on-line dating scene, and wondering where the hell his uber-successful agent wife has gotten to. He adopts a puppy. He's a divorced, horny Mr. Mom, who also has a difficult job. Despite his flaws, we are on his side. His wife is absent and cold and callous and overly ambitious.

But it seems that Libby (and the reader) has been taken in with Toby's story. While Toby's not in any way malevolent, his perspective might be limited. And stupidly masculine. Perhaps this is because he's quite short. It's not until Libby runs into Toby's wife Rachel that the story gets more fleshed out. Things are not exactly as they seem. But the story doesn't get fully fleshed out, because perhaps a third party can never understand a marriage from the outside.

So the paradox that Brodesser-Akner-Akner writes about is that it takes an outside view to describe a marriage, to get both perspectives, but it's like Nagel's essay about the mind of a bat-- you have to be inside a marriage to truly understand it. It's hard enough to unravel the motivations, voice, and point-of-view of one person, but once you bind their life inextricably to another, then both of their perspectives and characters are so intertwined, but also striving for autonomy, and there's no seeing it all at once.

While this sounds like serious stuff, the book is also satirical and funny and rambles through a wild world of NYC entitlement and wealth. Definitely worth reading.

That's What She (Actually) Said

I try to avoid walking through the hallways at the giant, overcrowded high school where I work. It's airless and oppressive and SLOW-- and I hate walking slow. The only positive thing is that you get to hear what the kids are talking about in the wild.

During hallway excursions, I typically overhear three types of conversation:

1) Things too filthy to transcribe.

2) Emotions ranging from anxiety to fuck-it about upcoming tests, quizzes, projects, and presentations.

3) References to memes,YouTubers,video games, school clubs, inside jokes, and other allusions are incomprehensible to me.

 But yesterday, I heard something behind me that is exactly what I imagine high school kids should be talking about. Something that sounded like it was out of a John Hughes movie. It was wonderful. It was a pair of girls and they were walking behind me. One said to the other, with all sincerity:

"There's this boy in my lunch? He sits right at the the table next to mine, and he does not even know I exist. He's never even looked at me, but he's soooo cute!"

Jury Duty: You Don't Need to Be a Clairvoyant Racist Lunatic

Last week, my wife had jury duty on Wednesday and I had jury duty on Thursday. This week, my wife had her administrative observation on Tuesday and I had my administrative observation on Wednesday.

Weird.

I hope my wife doesn't get bitten by a rabid animal (probably a coyote) next Monday . . . because it's going to happen to me on Tuesday. These things come in threes.

As far as jury duty went, my wife got called upstairs but didn't have to fill out any questionnaires or do any interviews. So she didn't need to utilize any of the stupid advice people give about how to get out of jury duty. 

Stupid Advice People Give You So You Can Get Out of Jury Duty

"Tell the judge you're racist!"

"Tell the judge you can tell people are guilty just by looking into their eyes!"

"Act crazy!"

The Real Deal with "Voir Dire"

If you've ever been interviewed for a spot on a jury-- the process known in legal parlance as "voir dire"-- then you know this advice is absurd. You're in front of the general public, in a formal situation, talking to someone wearing robes, in a court of law.

You don't want to present yourself as racist clairvoyant lunatic.

You might run into these people in the future.

My wife sat in a room for a while and then got released early.

I was not as lucky as my wife.

I arrived at 8 AM, and snagged a choice seat at the one large table by the TV (advice from my wife) so I could get some grading done. The presiding judge came down and spoke to us about the importance of jury duty and the system. He explained the difference between an inconvenience and a hardship. Then we watched a video, which gave us some instructions on how to behave if we were on a jury. We instructed to not only listen to the witnesses, but to observe their body language and tone of voice as well. I had a problem with this, which I tucked away in the recess of my brain. Then I got back to reading quizzes.

I was called upstairs at 9:30 AM, with a hundred other citizens. One of the elevators was broken so we had to stuff ourselves into the good one, in shifts. We were crammed into a courtroom. I was sitting in between a tall white guy from Texas and an older African American gentleman with one earring who was working on an adult coloring book with some markers. The judge told us they needed 12 jurors for a criminal case, and then he told us a bit about the case. I can't reveal this information, or I might get fined $1000. The prosecutor and the defendant and the defendant's lawyer were all there. The defendant was accused of a violent crime. He was African-American and looked like a tough hombre. You'll understand why I mention his race soon enough.

We filled out two questionnaires and then the judge, prosecutor and lawyer interviewed possible jurors. This went on for hours. We finally got to break for lunch at 12:30 and I went to Tavern of George (a.k.a. Tumulty's) and inhaled a burger. The beer looked was tempting, but I didn't want to be found in contempt of court.

I went back, finished my grading, and added some information to my questionnaire. Quite a bit of information. There was nothing else to do. And I decided if I got called up that I wasn't going to repeat what I did last time I went through "voir dire." No pathetic pleading. I would not throw myself prostate upon the mercy of the court. My kids were older now, and more responsible. If I got called to be on a trial, so be it.

So I would be myself. I would explain that it was a rough time of year for me to miss-- because of the College Writing curriculum-- but that this was more of an inconvenience than a hardship.

At 2 PM, I got called up for some "voir dire." I took a deep breath and walked over to the table with the judge, the prosecutor, and the defendant's attorney. I sat down. I told the judge my school situation, but very plainly, without drama or histrionics, and he said he would consider it. Then we got into my questionnaire.

First he wanted to know why I said I wouldn't be able to convict someone just on testimony alone. I told him about the new Malcolm Gladwell book Talking to Strangers and just how difficult it was to determine whether a stranger was telling the truth or lying. I told him I had a problem with the instructional video, because its very difficult to determine anything credible from tone and body language. Some people always seem like they are telling the truth and other people always seem nervous or anxious or sketchy. And it doesn't mean much. I talked about the fallibility of human memory and the ambiguity of eyewitness accounts.

Then we went through the people my interactions with the legal world. My brother worked in the building. My dad was director of corrections. I had a few run-ins with the law, but mainly college shenanigans.

Then he asked me why I wasn't sure if the legal system was fair. I told him I had read and listened to a lot about Ferguson and the shooting of Michael Brown, and I had listened to Serial Season 3 in its entirety, which delved into the corruption int he Cleveland court system. I told him I had learned that sometimes the court system is designed to shake down and oppress people of color.

Then we took a look at the free response questions. We were upstairs for a long time and I had answered the questions comprehensively. For example, there was a question about how you get your news. I had listed every podcast I to which I subscribed-- this is a long list.

The judge saw this scrawling mess and said, "I don't think we've ever had anyone run out of room on the sheet."

We talked my favorite books and movies (the judge enjoyed The Irishman) and the prosecutor pursued the list of magazines I often read: The New Yorker and Harper's and Mother Jones and The Atlantic and Wired and The Week.

The judge took a look at the people I'd like to meet. I had listed The Wu-Tang Clan, Dave Chappelle, and Howard Stern. I forgot Larry David.

The judge thought about all this for a long moment and then said, "I'm going to have you take a seat over there."

He pointed at the jury box.

"Over there?" I said, in slight disbelief. I was headed toward the jury box! I quickly accepted it. It was my civic duty, it was only a six day trial, and my family would figure it out. It wasn't the end of the world. My students would be fine.

I took three steps, and then I heard the judge again. I turned. The prosecutor had just finished speaking to the judge. Telling the judge to dismiss me. No way the prosecutor wanted some liberal bombastic blowhard all full of random and useless information on his jury.

So I was dismissed. And I didn't have to act like a racist or a lunatic or a mind-reader.

I just had to be myself.

We Are Old (But The Cult is Older)

So Friday night, these old guys . . .

saw these even older guys . . .

The crowd seemed to be comprised mainly of aging Gen Xers-- mainly male-- and so our contingent fit right in. Lecky, Whitney, Zman, Gormley, McWhinney, Carles were all in attendance (as was TR for the pregame). Much beer was drank.

Lecky made Herculean drive from New Brunswick to the Wellmont in Montclair, and the traffic-- just as I predicted-- was abysmal. Complaining about traffic is not very rock-n-roll (and neither am I) but I told Lecky and Whitney we had better get a move on or we were going to be crawling up the Parkway, and I was right! This did give us time to listen to some of Lecky and Whitney's original music, and while I enjoyed this, I still would have rather been out of the car. I can't stand being in traffic. It makes me claustrophobic.

The Cult were energetic and in good spirits, despite the fact that Ian Astbury and Billy Duffy are both pushing sixty. They have slight guts. Gentleman's guts. They played the entire Sonic Temple album and a number of old tunes from Electric, Love and Dreamtime. Nostalgic of the times I went to see them in high school and college (aside from the fact that they didn't play "Bad Fun," which would usually result in dangerously violent moshing).

Lecky, Whitney and I squeezed our way near the front and engaged some (rather tame) moshing with people that looked to be our age. The Millennials in front of us, holding their phones up and filming the show, wanted none of it. Lecky remembered to wear his earplugs. I did not.

After the show, we made an epic hike to a bar atop Gormley's hotel. Between that and the moshing, it was a lot of time on our feet.

Good thing I wore my orthotics.

Unsolved Mysteries: The Universe Eats Things

I have a giant metal storage cabinet in my classroom that I keep secure with a red and silver combination lock. The cabinet contains many very very valuable items. DVDs and photocopied materials and last years exams and my annotated copies of various texts.

These things may not sound valuable to you-- or to most people on the planet-- but they are worth a lot to me. Plus, I store my workbag and Lenovo Thinkpad in there at night. And there's detention in my room after school. All kinds of people wandering in and out. I don't need them perusing my Henry IV part 1 marginalia. So I like that lock.

More often than not, at the start of the day-- which is very early in the morning-- I take the lock off the cabinet and put it down somewhere weird (often inside the cabinet) and "lose" it for a few minutes. Then, inevitably, I find it and lock up the cabinet again.

Except for last Wednesday. I lost the lock, and even with the help of the sixteen kids in my Philosophy class, we could not find it. Sixteen kids searching the room! It seemed like a philosophical thought experiment, but it wasn't.

Is existence real? Can we trust our perception? Are we living in a simulation? Have I gone mad?

No. No. Yes. Yes.

I wish there was some kind of resolution to the story, other than I've descended into madness. The lock was in my pocket! The lock had fallen into the cuff of my pants! The lock was hidden in plain sight!

No such lock.

Where in Sam-fucking-Hill is that lock? It's got to turn up . . . and it's not behind the two (very heavy) filing cabinets next to the giant metal cabinet. I looked.

I was in denial for a couple of day-- my cabinet lockless-- but I'm bringing a new lock to school on Monday.

So I've solved the problem.

But will I ever solve the mystery?