While I'm obviously happy that I'm not on a respirator (or suffering much congestion) I am still very annoyed by COVID . . . I'm hot, I'm cold, I get the chills and then suddenly I'm sweating, I can't sleep-- I have racing thoughts and night sweats-- and I'm obviously in a bad mood-- because I can't sleep well and I can't listen to music-- because it exacerbates the headache . . . it's really depressing not to be able to listen to music . . . and if you take a close look at my symptoms if it weren't for a lack of "vaginal dryness" and an "irregular period," the Mayo clinic would diagnose me as going through menopause.
COVID Day 2
Although I'm only running a low fever and don't have much congestion, I've had a really obnoxious headache for the past two days-- I couldn't really sleep last night so I finished Catherine Chidgey's new psychological thriller Pet . . . on my Kindle, of course, with the font laughably enormous so that my head didn't hurt too much while I read (I was sleeping in Ian's bed, so not to bother and/or infect my wife . . . Lola took turns sleeping next to me and sleeping next to my wife in the master bedroom, very cute) and I really enjoyed this book: Chidgey is a native Kiwi and this book is set at a Catholic school in a Wellington suburb in the 1980s-- but despite the way-down-under locale and the age of the girls -- 12 -- these tweens are just as cliquey and judgemental as the mean crew from North Shore High School . . . and things get far darker than that film as the novel proceeds into weird idolatry, dementia, the mutability of memory, and outright betrayal . . . the plot is wrapped up a little too patently, but I give it nine invisible ink pens out of ten . . . now I'm working my way through Carl Hiaasen's Tourist Season-- if my headache continues to keep me from sleeping, I might finish that tonight.
After Much Evasion, Dave's Immune System Succumbs
COVID finally caught up with me (and hopefully it will be a mild case, as I am a big fat cranky baby when I'm sick).
Jets "Football" Close-reading Assignment
Note the quotations around the word "OFFENSE" and please contemplate the following questions:
1) is sarcasm a welcome addition to the traditionally objective statistical chyron? why or why not?
2) if sarcasm is embraced by the authors of the NFL informational overlay, what are the consequences and implications?
3) should we consider the narrator in the featured chyron unreliable, biased, and/or compromised?
Fan-O-Rama
Dave's (Almost) a Killer!
Yesterday afternoon, my wife and I were driving back from lunch at the Ugly Dumpling-- we were off from school for Yom Kippur-- and I made a left turn off Route 27 onto Fifth Avenue and then noticed flashing red lights in my rearview mirror . . . it was a cop, so I pulled over and Catherine got my insurance and registration out of the glove box and I made sure my teacher ID was hanging prominently from the rearview mirror-- and I was going to look for my PBA card in my wallet but I didn't bother because I was certain that I hadn't done anything wrong-- you can't make a left on Route 27 from 4 PM to 6 PM-- I've been busted for that-- but this time, I hadn't committed a moving violation-- and I commit A LOT of moving violations: I run red lights, make illegal u-turns, turn left-on-red at this particular light for morning basketball, speed on certain roads, change lanes without using my blinkers, use my phone while driving, etcetera . . . but this particular time, I had truly done nothing . . . this time I was innocent . . . and it took the cop a couple moments before he got out and approached us-- and he walked up to the passenger side and said, "Sorry, the computer got your plate wrong, it read a six instead of a nine . . . and you're one digit away from someone we're looking for who did something really serious . . . take it easy and have a nice day" so he was obviously using an ALPR to look for a BOLO, which is the kind of terminology you've got to know if you're almost a wanted felon, but for you law-abiding citizens, that means the cop was using an Automatic License Plate Reader-- which is a high-speed, computer-controlled camera that uses optical character recognition to read license plates. and alert officers when a car is on the "be on the lookout" list and now that I know I'm one digit away from armed and dangerous, I probably need to drive a bit more carefully (plus, I'm using quite a bit of tape to hold various parts of my vehicle together).
America + Conspiracy Theories = Forever
A new episode of We Defy Augury is up and streaming: "Powerful Eyes are Watching You, Sheeple" is (loosely) based on Colin Dickey's book Under the Eye of Power: How Fear of Secret Societies Shapes American Democracy"-- which I highly recommend-- and there is an eclectic mix of special guests, including Oedipa Maas, The Beastie Boys, Richard Nixon, Geraldo Rivera, The Who, and The Simpsons.
Rainy Day, Rainy Dave
It's still raining and I ate too many cookies and the Jets game is as bad as the weather and I need to replace a dangerously wobbly ceiling fan, but at least I cleaned up some of my study/recording studio (until I gave up . . . it's that kind of day).
The Espresso Martini Was Much Better Than the Music
I thought Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" was the song I hated the most, but last night at Bin, Batch, and Barrel I had to endure "Heart and Soul" by Huey Lewis and the News-- in its entirety-- and I'm pretty sure that I hate that song more-- I'd probably need to do some randomized controlled trials to truly determine this-- listen to the songs drunk, sober, stoned, in the morning, working out, while driving, outdoors, indoors-- but I'm not going to do that . . . usually the vibe at Bin, Batch, and Barrel is pretty chill (and we fled Cuzin's after one drink because the bartender there was WAY too aggressive in his pushing of food and drink) but there were a couple of Rutgers students who graduated from East Brunswick High School running the show and I think they assumed that the old folks who frequent Bin, Batch, and Barrel must love the worst music of the 1980s, so that's what they were playing (but Nick did make an insanely good Almond Joy espresso martini . . . I'll just have to talk to him about the music next time we're there).
Dave: Skilled at Choosing His Mate
Congratulations are in order, as my wife just got another prestigious job offer-- to be a superlative teacher coach for a nonprofit foundation-- now she'll be working THREE jobs, so please congratulate me on choosing such a productive, ambitious, and intelligent spouse.
A Conspiracy of Crickets?
I'm trying to finish up the new episode of my podcast-- which is about Colin Dickey's book Under the Eye of Power: How Fear of Secret Societies Shapes American Democracy and I mainly record early-- before school-- but lately, an orchestra of crickets has been ruining my audio (a bunch of fucking chirping crickets are actually called an "orchestra," I didn't make that up) and I'm wondering if this orchestra of crickets all got together and decided to fuck with me, especially because the theme of the book is conspiratorial thinking and it just seems weird that I've never had this problem before (but it IS a real problem-- there's a Reddit thread about it).
Medical Transportation at Its Finest?
If you get picked up by this Galaxy ambulance-- which resembles my own dilapidated minivan but represents a company whose motto is "Medical transportation at its finest" -- what kind of hospital will you end up at?
Dave Achieves Total Daveness (in the Group Chat)
1) stir-the-pot. . . I like getting people wound up about stuff-- for example when we had the hot weather at the start of the school year, and I found out that Metuchen had called a half-day, I immediately sent this information to the teacher group chat, to get folks riled up, in the hopes that we would also get some half-days (we did)
2) complain . . . my wife gets annoyed when I complain to her, so instead I do it digitally
3) make absurd jokes . . . such as when my friend Bruce shared a lovely picture where he was having a great time at a "Blues and Brews" Festival in Colorado and my friend Jason remarked on the fabulous weather and I noted the irony of listening to blues music in such a temperate, convivial atmosphere when blues music-- which was appropriated by white people from working-class black folk-- was intended to help these black folk forget their troubles and hardships while they worked the cotton fields of the deep South, in intolerable heat and humidity, surrounded by snakes and swampland, etcetera-- and while I was quite proud of this observation, perhaps, as evidenced by these recent screenshots, I am becoming a caricature of myself and my comments are becoming entirely predictable . . . so I need to lull people into thinking I've changed so then I can surprise them with some clever pot-stirring joke/complaint . . . and I guess this fiendish plot involves "liking" some photos and posts, responding with the occasional emoji, and answering sincere questions with practical and helpful information and I honestly doubt that is ever going to happen.
Close Call With a Bad-ass Motherfucker
I walked my dog down to the park this morning, in the pouring rain, and then I let her loose to do her business . . . we do this walk every morning and she's generally quite good off-leash-- she might chase a deer or a squirrel for a few yards, but then she comes right back when I call her-- but this morning it was very dark and hard for me to see what was going on and she noticed some creature moving by the trees, but when she trotted after this critter, it did NOT run away-- it ambled a few yards, and that's when I saw the white stripe and understood that Lola was face-to-ass with a skunk . . . and she didn't really know what to do, because generally when she chases an animal, the animal runs away, but this skunk was not fazed in the least-- so the skunk moseyed across the road and Lola moseyed behind her, and even though I yelled for her to come-- knowing that if she got sprayed I'd have to take the day off from work and wash her down with tomato juice (and it was pouring)-- Lola kept trailing the skunk . . . so I used the counter-intuitive technique that always works in these situations: I started walking home, up the hill, away from Lola and the skunk, and then I yelled, "Let's get a treat" and I turned my back to her and kept walking . . . and she high-tailed it over to me because she never wants to be left behind, especially when treats are involved, and I leashed her and we beat a hasty retreat-- and now I will be on the look-out for this skunk-- but I'm hoping it was just out in the open because so many earthworms had surfaced because of the downpour.
Dave (Lazily) Finds Religion
I'm not particularly religious, but my brother got married last night and Ian didn't text us his whereabouts until 4 AM-- although he and his brother did do a great job talking to old people at the wedding, and then Ian drove us all home, before heading to his girlfriend's place, so this was not unexpected-- anyway, I think I'll do the whole God-in-Genesis thing and rest on the seventh day and admire all the work I've done this week.
Ryan is runnin' . . . I'm passin', I'm passin' and runnin' . . .
I played some singles pickleball today with a young man named Ryan Cheng-- who played Division I tennis for Yale-- and while I didn't score many points on him, I like to think that I had him on the run (but he kept running to the ball and getting it back . . . I could make him run, but I couldn't get it past him).
Smokin' and Drinkin' on a Tuesday Night
By Tuesday evening of this week, I was already totally overwhelmed-- I got up early both Monday and Tuesday morning to work on a new episode of the podcast; then I went and played early morning sports; my classroom A/C broke and I was invaded by wasps; Back-to-School-Night was looming and I knew my Thursday night was going to be long and annoying; Friday afternoon I was planning on driving to Muhlenberg and back, to pick up my son because my brother is getting married this weekend; I had to print out emergence sub-plans, figure out the dual enrollment college credit stuff for my classes, plan for four preps, figure out this new Rutgers assignment . . . but then I figured out the solution to my anxiety: I had a cold beer while I was cooking dinner (Catherine was working) and I went out on the porch and smoked a bit of the pre-rolled joint inside the little plastic container (which is labelled Jungle Boys . . . ZkittlezCake) that the gas station attendant handed me when I got some gas over the summer-- I was like: "What's this?" and the attendant said it was in the well next to the gas cap, under the lid-- which was odd-- but I solved the mystery when I talked to my son, who said it was his friend's joint and his friend didn't want it to smell up the van-- which was very considerate-- so he stashed it next to the gas cap (and then forgot about it, of course) and so I put on "Shadrach" and put it to good use.
Dave's Classroom is Full of Hot Air (and Wasps)
At school on Tuesday, I noticed that although my portable A/C unit was running and though it was kicking out some cool air, my room was still uncomfortably hot and humid and I was NOT happy about this-- I played 6:30 AM basketball that morning and even though I showered, I was starting to sweat again-- and what really bothered me was that this little A/C unit had managed to cool the room down during the REALLY hot days last week-- so what he fuck was going on?-- and then, to add insult to injury, the last period of the day, large wasps started invading my room-- I climbed up on the window ledge and killed one by swatting it with a folder and the kids applauded, as they always do, but then two more wasps showed up and I had to climb up on the ledge AGAIN and kill them-- one wasp perched on a window frame behind the blind and I just whacked the blind with my folder, which decapitated the wasp, and I was able to kill the other one when it landed on a light fixture, but this was getting old-- I had to teach some college essay stuff that the kids actually needed to know-- but after I killed the third wasp, from my unusual perspective above the A/C unit, I noticed the duct that kicked out the hot air that the unit produced (that's the 2nd law of thermodynamics, perhaps?) had disconnected from the window seal, so the hot air that was supposed to vent outside was instead being blown back into my room-- mystery solved!-- that's what was causing the room to be so hot-- despite the fact that the A/C was running an producing cold air . . . because it was producing a greater amount of hot air, but that air was supposed to be vented outthe window, where it could contribute to global warming; I was annoyed that I didn't notice this earlier-- but when you're simultaneously teaching and killing wasps, it's hard to focus on other things-- and to this point, earlier in the day, none of us noticed a giant pile of broken safety glass in the corner of the English Office, scattered on the floor and low shelf-- perhaps this was a glass from a refrigerator shelf, from one of the confiscated refrigerators? who knows?-- we told the main office and went on with the day; anyway, I brought in some duct tape and sealed the vents permanently so that this won't happen again and I'm hoping that the open vent hole was how the wasps entered my room (but I doubt it).
Counterweight Conspiracies
Counterweight is the first book by anonymous Korean author Djuma translated into English-- I won't bother trying to explain the plot, but there's a space elevator; a giant corporation run by AI that has depleted the resources on a once impoverished island in order to build the space-elevator; a number of characters that may or may not be who they claim-- and most of these characters are under various amounts of influence, subconscious and conscious, from their respective Worms-- the brain implants that broker and network AI and organic neural activity . . . anyway, wheels-within-wheels, abundant conspiracies, and a different feel than the most typical American sci-fi trope . . . the lone rebel fighting the dystopian oppression: Katniss Everdeen against the Capitol, Neo vs. the Matrix, Montag fighting the book-burning-firemen . . . this has a different feel-- everyone is in on the conspiracy, everyone works for the company, or some other company (Green Fairy) and no one is a lone wolf, they are all aware that they are fighting the system from within, not without.
Fun Things to Say When You're Old
I was walking with Stacey and she needed to stop at the vice-principal's office to turn in a packet of papers-- and it turned out I needed to hand in this packet of papers as well (rosters and emergency sub plans) but I didn't know this stuff was due and the venerable secretary, Paulette, who I've known forever-- said, "Dave it was in the email Andy sent" and I said, "Oh . . . I'm not on that email thing" and she nearly shit herself-- she was like: "DAVE! You've got to get email!" and then I told her I was kidding and reassured her that I had access to my school email account . . . but she was fully ready to believe that I had taught the last twenty-years without checking my email.
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