Certified Mail Part Two: A Satisfying and Ironic Resolution to a Genuine Cliff (Clavin) Hanger

I went to the post office and picked up the mysterious certified letter sent to me by the State of New Jersey, and it turns out I have NOT inherited millions from a long-lost dead relative-- in fact, it's the reverse: this letter is to inform me that my "spouse/civil union partner/domestic partner has selected the Maximum retirement allowance . . . under this choice, the monthly retirement allowance is payable for the lifetime of the member only"—which means that "in the event of death" of my wife, I will not receive any pension payments . . . we've both chosen to go this route with our pensions so that we can live it up while we are both among the living (and it is also now in my best interest to keep my wife alive: protect her from wild beasts and villains and falling steel girders and encourage her to eat healthy and stay off the meth) and so, of course, this letter is the exact opposite of a long-lost uncle giving me an inheritance . . . instead, it is a message informing me that someone very close to me will be giving me nothing.