Sentence of Dave
The Required Amount at the Prescribed Rate (Handcrafted From the Finest Corinthian Leather)
The Evolution of Beer Pong
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Catherine and I played beer pong for the first time on Friday night (or the new version of the game, I remember a game we played with cups o...
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Bow Down to the Master Dave
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Once again, I bow to the master: David Sedaris is the King of the Sentence; though I must admit that at the start of his new book, When Yo...
You Just Opened Your Gift!
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It's the holiday season again, and normally I am wracked by guilt because I know I need to get people gifts and I never do (my wife take...
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Hey Joe
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At school, a small middle-aged man with glasses has been saying "Good morning Dave" to me for several years now, and this has been...
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No Cake For Me
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There was chocolate cake in the fridge last night and I thought about eating it, but-- get this-- I did not eat it . . . amazing, but true-...
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What's the Only Thing Better Than One Fox?
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While walking back from A&P yesterday, a bright red fox walked across my path (I followed him across the soccer fields just to confirm ...
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Mumbai Multitasking
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It's official: the Giants are so good they're boring; I yearn for the days of Butch Woolfolk (that was exciting football, in 1983 Wo...
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How and When to Get Trampled
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For the first time in my life, I got up early on Black Friday to try to get a deal on a TV . . . or I thought I got up early (especially wi...
Is Dave Spongeworthy?
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After a year of blogging, one becomes introspective . . . one wonders: are my thoughts blog-worthy . . . are my sentences special and uniq...
I Love Coffee But I Hate Tea?
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Perhaps it was due to the fog of beer, but it took an inordinately long time to solve Stacey's ridiculous riddle Wednesday night-- she j...
Back in My Didn't Need to Breathe So Much
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Great moment of laissez faire 1960s parenting in Madmen -- Don Draper's daughter walks into the room, her body completely inside of a p...
Put Those Clementines Down!
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I was spacing out in line in the grocery store, cradling a box of clementines in my arm, and I guess this bothered the old woman in front of...
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Getting Rich
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Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my blog-- "Sentence of Dave" has accumulated 31,594 views, which earned me 15 dollars...
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Our Children Are Crushing Our Spines
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I took the kids to the Museum of Modern Art (the Joan MirĂ³ exhibit-- good for kids and doodlers alike) and FAO Scwartz (not the best place f...
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Girls Are Too Clever For Their Own Good
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Last week, one of my students tried to involve me in a web of lies and deceit: we have been reading and writing process analysis essays and ...
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A Vivid Geographical Simile
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From a student's poem about Newark, New Jersey: "285,000 people . . . 12, 400 people per square mile . . . tight like a virgin.&quo...
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Electronics and Water Don't Mix
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I had an appointment with a "genius" yesterday at the Apple store, a moniker found unbearably offensive, but this particular Youn...
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Entomology 101
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Two Oscar-winning performances by yours truly last week in class: 1) at the start of our process analysis unit I demonstrated how to help s...
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Mrs. Parham Will Get Back to Us
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As we walked along the Raritan River in the park by my house, my son Alex described his day at school-- specifically the class Thanksgiving ...
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Bonus American Education Week Update!!!
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Today, compliments of the East Brunswick Education Association (in conjunction with the East Brunswick Parent Teacher Association) in honor ...
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Hiking Q & A
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Question: how do you get your kids out of the woods after hiking in a bit too far and getting sort of lost; answer: promise them ice cream ...
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UFC . . . The Sour Sociology
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My first investigative sentence: in order to dispel claims made by frequent commenter (Al Depantsdowno) that UFC fighting is akin to the WW...
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More Popular Than Sex!
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I'm reading Bill Tancer's Click: What Millions of People are Doing Online and Why it Matters and the premise is this: Tancer is th...
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Ouch . . . Huh?
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They say women forget the pain of childbirth, and I believe it, because once again, I forgot the pain of early morning basketball-- some tea...
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These Puzzle Pieces Are All Edges
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Because of this blog, I neglected to write a best-selling novel; now instead of a thick and valuable manuscript, I am stuck with several hu...
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Hard Work and Soft Rock, Perfect Together
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One of the more annoying things about having work done on your house every night until 8 PM (besides the banging and sawing and the living i...
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Sometimes You Need to Lie to the People in White Coats
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The main reason I hate going to the dentist is because I am forced to lie: for the past few months (as usual) I've forgotten to floss on...
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Reading Makes You Annoying
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If you value your marriage, you won't read More Sex Is Safer Sex: The Unconventional Wisdom of Economics , a Freakonomics style book wi...
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First Things First: Football
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An ambiguous (and poorly delivered) teaser on NBC before the Giants game last night: "Police search for a fourteen year old boy's ...
Snotgreen and Soggy
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This was a lame week off for me-- we didn't go anywhere because we had to supervise the kitchen construction (and we're broke and C...
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Alex: A Young Hypocrite
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Because Highland Park did not have a week off for fall break but I did, I caught a glimpse of my son's secret life at school: when his ...
Bang Pork Hump Sluice
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While making plans for Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale I ran across two useful Shakespearean phrases: 1) a rarely used but graphic...
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At Least Give Me A T-Shirt
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I'm working my way through War and Peace for the second time, ostensibly because there is a new translation by the masterful Richard Pev...
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Chuck D For President
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My wife thinks I should be more excited about the historical significance of today's election results-- that I should reflect on the fac...
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Put Me in Coach, I'm Ready to Pave, Today
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JV Paving is an poor choice for a business name, especially when the sign is on Summerhill Road, across the street from the high school'...
This Court is Supreme
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I am reading The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court because I'm a sucker for any book that promises to unveil a secret...
Did You See Saw?
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Did anyone see Saw . . . I never saw Saw . . . I should see Saw . . . did y'all see Saw II . . . I should see Saw II too.
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Fuck Quotations (and Typing)
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Good news and bad news-- the bad news is that I am giving up on Dave's Quote of the Day (despite some help from my friends-- and I thank...
Can't Buy Me Love (Or Waterboarding)
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According to most figures, the Iraq war has cost us nearly 600 billion dollars, and in the end it may ultimately cost us in the neighborhoo...
You Had to Be There (But Here It Is Anyway)
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Two big laughs in the English office this week, but you probably had to be there: someone put a quotation on the public whiteboard in refere...
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Why Is My Wife in That Cabinet With That Guy?
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Nothing is cuter than a toddler's malapropism (Daddy look, I scissored the paper!) but what about when your wife, after a drawn-out nego...
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Dave's Economic Knowledge Goes Out the Window . . .
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I had to read every paragraph twice, but I finished David Smick's The World is Curved: Hidden dangers to the Global Economy (The Mortga...
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It's Best Not To Complain
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If you read yesterday's post , then you'll be happy to know that when I ordered two eggs and cheese on a roll (salt pepper ketchup...
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I Like Porkroll Too . . .
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It's always disturbing to see someone who was once in shape and now has grown obese; for example, I saw the full-lipped red haired aerob...
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Somewhere, The Future Has Passed
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I've been busy writing songs-- in anticipation of getting a new computer so I can get back into home-recording, but when I slotted this ...
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The Joy of Paraxene
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My four year-old son Alex experienced the joy of getting his first allusion-- he knew that the music playing during the start of Chicken Lit...
Soffit Talk
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This is what I have learned from our kitchen addition/dining room/bathroom/playroom renovation project: when your house is really really c...
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Beefing Up The Language With a New Sniglet
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If the women in my wife's book group are truly serious about this whole organic thing, then they need to do some cowpooling ( which is l...
My Wife, The Queen of Sheba?
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My wife crossed the line last night, that invisible line between civility and despotism . . . the invisible line that runs down the middle o...
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Thus Endeth the (Middle School Soccer) Streak
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Thus endeth the streak: after coaching thirty-plus eighth grade soccer games without a loss, we suffered a 1-0 defeat at the hands of our a...
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Jack Donaghy Demonstrates A Useful Technique
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I never remember my dreams, but last night I had a vivid one wherein I hooked a giant marlin and . . . sorry, I almost broke my own rule-- e...
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An Orange in Iowa Was Once a Miracle
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This will be my last post on this blog (and in fact, my last interaction with the Internet) because I have been reading Little Heathens: Ha...
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Middle School Boys: They Don't Listen
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I probably didn't look like the most compassionate coach in youth athletics when I strode over to my player (who was lying fon the sidew...
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Know Your Audience
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This is the kind of joke that only gets a laugh in a room full of Shakespeare geeks-- some student left a CAPITALISM SUCKS pin on a desk...
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Don't Count Your Giants Before They Play
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My friend from Ohio promised me that the Giants would destroy the Browns, so I didn't even attempt to stay up and watch the game . . . a...
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Steady as He Pees?
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Sometimes, in the early morning, I hear the sound of a stream of liquid cascading into a pool of water . . . punctuated by several ominous s...
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Am I Getting in Good Shape or Full of Intestinal Parasites?
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I don't mean to get all Brigitte Jones on you, but between playing lots of soccer, running around with my kids, coaching and having no k...
I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing
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We didn't get the message, and so Alex wore his Darth Vader shirt on school picture day-- and if he becomes infamous or famous in some w...
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Thirteen Goals is Much More Fun Than Nil-Nil
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Those of you who don't think soccer is high scoring enough would have enjoyed my team's eight to five victory over Old Bridge-- and ...
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Great Moments in Teaching Episode #287
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I told my Creative Writing students to get up and make a big circle so we could play a memory game-...
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The Earth, She is a Swiftly Tilting Planet
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Yesterday signified the end of something: we went to the beach and the day started cold, rainy, and windy but by noon it was sunny and the ...
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A Very Cheap Buzz
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If you're an eighth grade soccer player on the bus after a game, then the height of fun is to sniff the inside of a fellow competitor...
Dave is a Rejuvenated Cucumber (or melon)
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This morning, I was feeling tired, and so when I showered I used some of my wife's Cucumber Melon Rejuvenating Body Wash, and it was ver...
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Two For One Pizza: Sounds Like A Good Idea, Right?
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A fond memory: Aposto's , the narrow Italian bistro where we ate the other night, was once a far grubbier pizza joint called 2 For 1 Pi...
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Huh?
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Republicans: the party of financial regulation.
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Remembrance of Zills Past
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There's a tambourine in the back seat of my car, but the only time I remember it's there is when I hit a bump.
The Doppelgangers is a Bad Name for a Sitcom
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The apple doesn't fall far from the tree . . . Alex likes to use the right word for things, a fairly useless and frustrating characteris...
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Dad Shame
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Sometimes when my children find other kids to play with at the park-- which is happening more and more often-- I get bored, and sometimes wh...
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He Hates to Say It . . . But He Loves to Say It
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You're not supposed to like saying "I told you so" but in his book The Black Swan , all Nassim Nicholas Taleb has to say abo...
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Caster Disaster
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Last Saturday, I was that asshole: I chose a shopping cart at Target with a bad caster that alternated between making a loud clattering so...
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Greek Myth = Wet Kids
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I thought reading the kids some Greek myths would be at worst innocuous (and a bit boring) and at best a nice basis in the most common allus...
Stress at the Stress Factory
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Sometimes the comedy club isn't funny-- like when the table next to you can't stop chatting and you ask them repeatedly to please be...
My Son the Half-Assed Telepath
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My four year old son Alex told me that "in school you have to say everything out loud, you can't just talk in your brain, because t...
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Words Are Worth 1000 Pictures
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Yesterday, Catherine and I went to our first Back-to-School Night, and Alex's classroom had pictures the students drew on the walls and ...
Football Conquers Chores
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Whenever you have a lot of chores to do, and you've been sitting on your ass all afternoon watching football because you're sore fro...
Prepositional Ponderings
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This has been bothering me: Vincent Chase is the star on "Entourage," but I don't think he's the star of "Entourag...
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Roslin > Palin
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I was going to continue in the political vein with a sentence about the Sarah Palin/Laura Roslin Battlestar Galactica analogy -- Palin does...
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I Go Off on a Tangent (About the Propriety of a Name)
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Sarah Palin's children are named Track, Willow, Bristol, Piper, and Trig; Trig is her child with Down Syndrome . . . and the condition ...
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Ring the Bells, Let It Be Known: Dave Fixed the Toilet
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Let it be known: yesterday-- Sunday the twenty first of September . . . the first day of autumn-- I FIXED THE TOILET; I replaced the fill ...
I Wear Bad Idea Jeans
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Another bad decision in a long line of them: during our 8th grade soccer pre-game warm up (and I feel that it's crucial to have a crisp...
Circular Logic
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My ninth grade math teacher said if you drew a perfect circle free-hand, then you would immediately go completely and irrevocably insane-- ...
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What Not to Say to My Wife
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My wife got placed on the jury of a criminal case, and while she's not thrilled because she has to miss work (and she has to go to court...
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George Bush and My Wife Battle Rude Shoe-Throwers
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People can be so rude . . . or so my wife tells me-- people aren't usually rude to me, but they are constantly being rude to my wife-- f...
Hermit Crab, I Name Thee Lazarus!
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A miraculous resurrection in our house-- and we're not even near Easter; Catherine threw away the corpse of our pet hermit crab two week...
Dave Feels Lucky (But Not THAT Lucky)
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After having a bad day Saturday (high fever, constricted throat, tonsillitis, car accident that was pretty much completely my fault) I had a...
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Kids . . . It Would Be Convenient If They Were All the Same Size
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Catherine explained to me in so many words that my household chore contributions of late have consisted of playing the guitar and reading ( ...
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Sick is No Way to Drive
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If you need a doctor on a Saturday, you're better off living in a third world country; I went to PromptCare on Easton Avenue, and I am ...
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Dave Sharpens His Axe
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Wednesday, in the English office, because of a challenge, I bounced the giant-liquid and glitter-filled super-ball off the floor, off the w...
Dave Could Be a Middle School Soccer Star . . . If He Wasn't Thirty-Eight
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I know I shouldn't be proud of this (but of course I am); at eighth grade soccer try-outs I timed the kids in a typical dribbling and s...
Not Eating Candy = The Terrorists Win
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On a day as tragically infamous as this one, it is important to remember things you love, but often forget about, such as: 1) Guidance day...
Rooting For Whatever
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I must admit that I was rooting a little bit for Chad Pennington to complete one into the end-zone at the end of the Jets game-- I normally ...
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Good Sandwich = 403B
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Waking up early and taking the time in the morning to make a really good sandwich for lunch is like investing for retirement; you are ackno...
It Can Always Be Worse
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It's Monday morning-- the first full week of work-- and the weekend flew by so fast that I barely remember it, plus I'm coughing up ...
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This Is Fun, Right?
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The first day of eighth grade soccer try-outs was yesterday, and I forgot how much I missed coaching; also, I can certainly see how Napoleon...
Good Morning, Kiddies!
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It's hard to make a good impression on your new students when your shirt is stained with belly-sweat.
Work Makes Dave Weary
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This business of going to work is exhausting: Thursday night, I slept from eight P.M. to six A.M. (and I took a nap on the couch from 6:30 P...
Deep Regrets
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I would like to apologize for my rash statement several weeks ago -- one of the problems with blogging is that you don't have the time t...
Cold and Cutting Logic
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Everyone has a theory . . . including the wrinkled old lady at the Shop-Rite deli counter-- I requested that she slice my cold cuts thin, b...
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Kids . . . Sometimes They Sound Like Marlon Brando
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After the kids went up to bed and Catherine and I were watching Friday Night Lights , we heard a strange voice from the top of the stairs . ...
Can You Wash a Fart?
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Ian has unlocked the door of juvenile humor: go with a gross image and beat that horse until it's dead; yesterday in the car he asked-...
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