Sentence of Dave
The Required Amount at the Prescribed Rate (Handcrafted From the Finest Corinthian Leather)
The Culprit? My Wife
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Yesterday, the sports-watch I lost weeks ago reappeared on shelf where I keep my stuff, and my question was: how did it get there?-- but aft...
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Ideas . . . Where Do They Come From?
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I had an epiphany last night, and I'm annoyed that I didn't think of it sooner (but you can't really control when you think of a...
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No More Mr. Nice Guy (to Squirrels)
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Two things that shouldn't happen on a lazy hungover Saturday: 1) Alex hit Ian on the head with a metal shovel, ripping a gash in his ...
Courbet Foray
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It was a long strange trip, including a detour to Queens, and we were definitely the most inebriated people in the gallery, but it was certa...
Jack Watches Everything
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I knew that Sam Anders was reciting lyrics from "All Along the Watchtower" from the moment he said "No reason to get excited,...
It's a Playground Not a Pee Ground
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Conflict at the playground: Ian was involved in some kind of incident with a long-haired boy (who I mistakenly called a girl) but his mom a...
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Tales of Vinnie the Roofer
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Apparently, back when he lived in Youngstown, Ohio, Vinnie the Roofer was friends with Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini's brother, and ...
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Dave Throws in the Sentence Writing Towel
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After over a hundred posts, I think it's time to hang it up: I'm having trouble coming up with new ideas, I'm losing time with ...
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Alex Tries to Bar the Door
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This morning, Alex decided that he loved my company so much that he was going to bar the door so that I couldn't leave for work-- but af...
Can't We All Just Remain Polarized?
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As far as I can tell, any policy or strategy that is bi-partisan is doubly dumb; e.g. Big Corn, ethanol, energy independence, the War on Ter...
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How Do You Spell The Plural of Mississippi?
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I had to urinate for the majority of our hellish ninety minute ride to Queens last weekend, and by the time I got into the bathroom my bladd...
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Chads! Chads! Chads!
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I was pleased with the last minute name I thought of for our faculty band's "Rock the Vote" performance: "The Hanging Ch...
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Dave's Fortune: The Future Will Be Stupid
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Randomly reading recommendations that Amazon selected for me, I found this gem of a sentence-- if you're wondering about the future of p...
You Shouldn't Feed My Ego
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A momentous day: a mysterious tall woman ran into my classroom this morning and snapped my picture on her cell-phone camera, and now I know...
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We All Love to Ignore Our Parents
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After I took a plastic dagger and sheath away from the boys because it cracked and needed gluing, Ian tried to sneak behind my back-- walkin...
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This is the Deal
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They sell the printer cheap and then make the money on the ink cartridges.
Bunny Logic
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My parents took Alex and Ian to their church yesterday for an Easter egg hunt and to meet the bunny himself, but Alex was not duped: he said...
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Arr?
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Piracy has been so romanticized that I'm having a hard time explaining to my kids that pirates are thieves -- and often ruthless and san...
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Follow the Link
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Two things: 1) never drive to Queens (we went to the Hall of Science there today, which was nice, but the drive out of a Mad Max movie; 2...
Funny How?
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One of Ian's absurdist knock-knock jokes: knock knock . . . who's there? . . . diaper apple . . . diaper apple who? . . . apple di...
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Creative Gluttony
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Someone put out a huge spread of goodies in the English office, but I had a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich to eat-- so to maximize my cons...
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There's Nothing Better Than Not Shitting Your Pants
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It's official: Ian has toilet-trained himself (and with no encouragement, charts, stars, prizes, or treats-- which Alex thinks is unfai...
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Is It So Wrong To Enjoy Refrigeration?
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Last night I ate a big bowl of peanut butter gelato with sprinkles and chocolate chips on top and it tasted that much better because I was w...
Cold Choices
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I think we're going with the French door style refrigerator with the freezer on the bottom-- and if anyone has a problem with that, I...
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Precision
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I got up early this morning to finish Persepolis, a graphic novel that was just made into a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE! -- and I'm giving it n...
Dave Channels Carl Spackler
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I was debating what to do with the squirrels in my attic after I catch them in the humane trap I'm going to purchase, but after the taun...
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The Costs and Benefits of a Pus Filled Boil
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Having my abscess infection scooped out was no bargain, but at least I'll be able to enjoy an episode of "Flight of the Conchords&q...
They're Building Something Big . . .
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This morning I awoke alone in bed and found Catherine asleep downstairs on the couch; I hoped that it wasn't a bout of noxious flatulen...
Our Phone Probably Doesn't Have Athlete's Foot
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Catherine told me I couldn't write about this because she didn't want people to think we're dirty, filthy people, but then it br...
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Gary Gygax is Dead
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Way back in 1992, Whitney and I capitalized on the death of Dr. Seuss with our eponymous "tribute" song . . someone should do the...
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Justice is Served
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For Sartre, "l'enfer, c'est les autres," but for me hell is a high school musical, and yesterday I was definitely in a cir...
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Playground Illusions (and Allusions)
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Alex and Ian were playing "pirate-ship" on the jungle gym with a bunch of kids the other day, and Alex started yelling, "sire...
This IS Going to Hurt
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You know it's trouble when the dentist actually tells you something is going to hurt-- but I did learn something: a pus-filled abscess ...
These Are My Demands
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We're meeting with the architect today to tell him what we want our new kitchen to be like, and I want to give him a few unrealistic dem...
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Am I Some Kind of Dancing Monkey?
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It's been a busy day (I had to sign Alex up for pre-school among other things) and I haven't been able to think of anything particul...
How To Get to Leave Work Early
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Yesterday, I had to leave school early because the zipper on my fly broke (I tried to fix it with a piece of double-sided tape because I was...
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Anapestic Birthday Wishes
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Today is the day-- now I'm thirty-eight!-- The Doctor and I share the same date-- If Seuss were alive, he'd be one-o-two, And if ...
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Other Minds
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Alex turned four today, and he's he's having a few friends from school over, which is very weird-- that he has this life of his own ...
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Winter Is Coming for Whitney
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Whitney came to visit last night, but he was woefully unprepared for the cold weather-- he had his work shoes, thin socks, a light jacket, s...
You Hugged My Fart
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Some primitive attempts at humor last night from the kids: when Cat's mom said "See you in the morning" to Alex, he replied b...
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Funny When?
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I watched "Trailer Park Boys" last night, after a long hiatus from them; they weren't as funny as I remembered-- but I'm ...
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Anyone Can Draw and Amoeba
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I've been creating some poorly drawn animation on my tablet: if anyone has any easy-to-draw plot ideas for my amoeba sitcom, send them ...
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Dave Does Coz
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Went with Catherine to see Bill Cosby last night, with the MAN and the woman . . . and if it wasn't for the BEER . . . well, then you y...
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Winter Fun!
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Yesterday, Alex, Ian and I built an igloo (and both my kids could comfortably fit inside-- a marvel of ice architecture); today, to continu...
Like Father, Like Son
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It was only Alex and me at the breakfast table this morning; he looked at me and said "We're both picking our noses!" and it ...
Amoeba Love
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Today, instead of using my snow day wisely and doing my taxes while the children napped, I wrote a short love song about amoebas and animate...
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Dave Controls the Weather
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To celebrate the 100th Sentence of Dave I have arranged for a snow day; please show your appreciation by clicking on the ads.
5 comments:
Is This Normal?
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Yesterday I consumed (in chronological order): two packs of oatmeal, an apple, a yogurt, five Munchkin Donuts, a cobb salad and jalapeno ch...
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How Can You Remember If You Forgot?
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I realized on Monday that I've been driving without my license since early December-- I needed to show my ID at the Philadelphia Zoo bec...
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Acting! Is Very Silly . . .
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I suffered through hours of Kate Blanchett pretending to be Queen Elizabeth because I wanted to see the Spanish Armada battle scene, and it ...
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2/18/2008
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The warm weather made the animals extremely active at the zoo today-- polar bears wrestled underwater, penguins breached, the lions were act...
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2/17/2008
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Yesterday, my two sons and I formed a short lived rock'n'roll band, and my son Alex came up with our name: The Junior States (he ha...
THAT'S Fresh
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I listened to 8 Diagrams on my eight-mile run this morning, and the Wu-Tang is still "keeping it fresh like Tupperware."
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This Sounds Stupid (And Maybe It Is)
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I hate it when actors have to act : for example, Catherine and I were watching an entertaining thriller called Primal Fear and the part re...
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2/14/2008
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A few weeks ago, I challeneged Alex to rub his belly and pat his head at the same time, but he was unable to do it and never mentioned it ag...
2/13/2008
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A bittersweet day: Alex conquered the sled hill by our house for the first time, but Ian was sick with a fever and had to stay inside.
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2/12/2008
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2/11/2008
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2/10/2008
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The new kitchen is always the topic around our house: yesterday's topic was why does a stone floor feel colder than a wood floor when ei...
2/8/2008
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I learned two things last night: God is a giant ear, and a "hook-up" is when you smuggle prison food out of the dining hall and ba...
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2/8/2008
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Alex approached me with another "drawing" of his and I got ready to channel my time spent in the Uffizi (I use the Stanislavski me...
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Emu Farm
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A new song by Greasetruck , but it's the same old story: boy meets girl, boy tries to impress girl by purchasing an emu farm, boy negle...
6 comments:
Fourteen Words That Will Kill Your Buzz
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I was having fun writing my trilogy of aphorisms about time, until I read this last night in Nabokov's Speak, Memory : "our exist...
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2/5/2008
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Living in the present is an impossible dream: one part of the mind is always anticipating the future, while another constantly assesses the ...
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2/4/2008
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Thinking about the past is a trap: remembering the bad times is depressing, and reminiscing about the good times is depressing as well, beca...
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2/3/2008
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Alex's swim lesson will be ten minutes longer today, to make up for the time that was lost last week because some kid upchucked in the p...
2/2/2008
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On Google Trends you can observe the top 100 web searches for the day-- it's a window to the consciousness of the world; on the day Heat...
2/1/2008
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Writing my sentence while I have to urinate ensures that it will be short.
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Homeless Elbow
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Two days ago in Boulder, my friend Ryan and his wife Cat were attacked by a homeless man with a club-- Ryan took a shot to the head before C...
2 comments:
Finned and Defused
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I'm reading Marvin Minsky's The Society of the Mind (his treatise on intelligence, artificial and otherwise) and Neil Shubin's Y...
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It's Hard to Start Hamlet With A Hangover
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If you have plans for the Super Bowl, make sure they're flexible-- because I sent an e-mail to the President of the Fox Network asking h...
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I'm Above This Kind of Gossip
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Apparently, the story that Mark Hamill got into a car accident and had reconstuctive surgery on his face between filming The Empire Strikes...
2 comments:
How Much Does a Coffee Filter Filter?
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This morning I spilled the entire canister of coffee beans onto the kitchen floor (which isn't terribly clean, Alex and Ian are slobs) ,...
The Hassler
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Eighteen consecutive missed pool shots (including a break that flew off the table and into the wall) are erased by one lucky jump shot.
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Dave Rationalizes Violence in the Office
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I'm starting to feel less guilty about punching Brady in the leg yesterday -- in fact, because of his history of madcap pranks, I'm ...
1 comment:
I Punch a Colleague For No Good Reason
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Unfortunately, the title of this post is accurate, but there were donuts involved so I think you'll understand how it happened and empat...
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I'm Not Superstitious Anyway
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If the Giants lose, I'll shoulder the blame (I was growing a Giants good-luck victory beard, but it got really itchy so I shaved it.)
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To Drool or Not to Drool
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I have to stop bringing such good sandwiches to work (e.g. ham, mozzarella, fried peppers, onion, lettuce, and balsamic dressing-- Catherine...
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Personification Poisons Dave's Mind
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I am so pissed off at my new USB hard drive that I can't think coherently enough to write a meaningful sentence.
Do Not Be Tempted By The Plethora of Signs
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Don't stop at Lake George if you need fuel and also need fast access to a bathroom-- the amenities are a long way off the exit!
Close Enough
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Six yards off is still a fairly accurate revelation.
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Nostra-Dave-Us
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A revelation: the Giants will beat Green Bay in overtime with a 41 yard field goal.
Yin and Yang
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We eluded the snow on our way to Vermont, but not whatever is giving me the shits.
If Bruce Were in Futurama
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Tonight, we'll be racing the storm up Route 87-- it almost sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song, aside from the kids in the back watchin...
You Can Get This Stuff Over-the-Counter?
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The potency of Nyquil always astounds me.
Te ves sexy en ese bikini de metal . . .
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I finally got my comeuppance for illegally burning DVD's I get from the library-- we sat down to watch "Return of the Jedi" on...
5 comments:
Weather.com: Do They KNOW What 100% Means?
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Despite the one-hundred percent chance of snow Weather.com promised, we are going to school today-- but I guess a Giants victory over Dallas...
Where the Fuck Do You Get Lunch on a Saturday in Princeton?
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Who knew that both Conte's and Tortuga's Mexican Village are both closed for lunch on Saturdays?
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Can We Get A Replay On That?
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Ours was a house of vomit and and worse last night (but Catherine did make an amazing play at the vegetable market-- she saw Ian's mouth...
1/11/2008
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Finally, relief from the worm that's been gnawing at my brain: the ramp for the new crawl space can go inside the basement!
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1/10/2008
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Last night, spellbound by his first viewing of the Star Wars Trilogy, Alex insisted that "The Empire Strikes Back" should actuall...
2 comments:
1/9/2008
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I'd like to thank the U.S. Postal Service for getting me my movie on time-- "Street Fight" arrived today and now the rest of m...
1/8/2007
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I'm really counting on Blockbuster to mail me "Street Fight" -- if it doesn't arrive by Friday I'm going to have to te...
1/7/2007
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"The Big Doe Rehab" and unseasonably warm weather is the cure for the winter blues.
3 comments:
1/6/2008
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We have an ant farm with dead ants in it on our shelf.
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1/5/2008
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We met with the kitchen design lady the other night, and she showed us some very nice kitchens she designed-- but they were TOO nice, it mad...
1/4/2008
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Too busy reading "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" to write a sentence today.
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1/3/2008
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Last night, Catherine asked Alex to turn down the volume on the stereo, but he turned the knob the wrong way and turned the volume WAY up; ...
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Why Are There So Many Televisions At The Gym?
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Catherine and I went to the gym together on New Year's Day, and we put Alex and Ian in the kid's play area while we worked out-- it&...
2 comments:
1/1/2008
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My sentence per day completion rate is now one hundred percent for 2008, as compared to a pitiful 10.4 percent for 2007-- I'm also one h...
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