I recently connected with a receptive Covid-19 coronavirus named Rebecca. She's living on a public restroom door handle in central New Jersey, hoping for the best. I'm pleased to report that she was willing to answer a few of my questions.
Dave: So why the big move?
Rebecca: Have you been inside a bat den? SO much guano. And no WiFi.
Dave: What about shacking up with the pangolins? They're cuter than bats.
Rebecca: Pangolin burrows are dark and wet and damp. And a pangolin-dude will sit in a hole for YEARS before he gets motivated to talk to some ladies and attempt to mate. YEARS! Which is why it's quite ironic that they're valued as an aphrodisiac. Those things have the sex drive of moss.
Dave: Are you happy with the way things turned out?
Rebecca: Not at all. I'd really like to apologize for what happened. We were shooting for a common cold scenario-- we just wanted to sit inside a nice host, at home, watching TV, maybe head out to a bar or restaurant and infect a few other folks. This was not what we intended at all.
Dave: How do you feel about the flu?
Rebecca: The flu is a filthy slut. Absolute swine.
Dave: OK. Great stuff, I really appreciate it. Now, unfortunately, I'm going to have to wipe down this door handle with bleach and hand sanitizer. Sorry.
Rebecca: I figured as much. I wish you wouldn't, but I get it.
8 comments:
This is the viral version of Filth.
irvine welsh book?
Yeah the one with chapters narrated by a tapeworm.
ah yes. what happened to that guy? i was a big fan . . .
it seems he wrapped up the trainspotting crew with "dead men's trousers." i'm going to order it.
holy shit! $1.99 on the kindle!
The "Dave Interviews..." recurring segment is one of my favorites.
ok, i will interview some more weird shit.
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