Bamboozled

 

I planted some tiny specimens of fargesia rufa clumping bamboo along our fenceline back in 2013 and then I let it grow-- unchecked-- until it grew much larger and more jungly than the photo above; I really enjoyed this dense evergreen foliage, even though it was making our backyard smaller and smaller-- and my wife allowed it because she knew how much pleasure I derived from looking out at this thick dense bamboo jungle, for various reasons:

1) it was aesthetically pleasing

2) it obscured the view of our neighbor's house 

3 and the bamboo remained bright green in the middle of winter . . . 

but apparently, you are NOT supposed to let clumping bamboo grow in this fashion, as the rootball can get so dense that the bamboo can strangle itself-- you're supposed to cull the "weeping" culms and clear out the dead branches between the healthy upright culms-- so I've got some serious work to do, I trimmed some of the bushy stuff this morning, but I'm going to have to get down on my hands and knees and really weed out a lot of dead shoots and clean out the leaves (and soccer balls and dog toys-- I found a few of those in there) to allow air circulation and healthier sprouts . . . here's where I am now in this project, but I probably won't really get in there and trim everything until fall, when it gets colder and I won't get eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Godzilla Plus One Million!

Godzilla Minu One is finally streaming in the United States-- on Netflix-- and it was worth the wait; Cat and I watched it last night with Ian and his girlfriend-- who professed to hating Godzilla movies because "there's never any plot" but I convinced her to try this one . . . I had watched half of it Thursday night and knew that the movie has a compelling story: a failed kamikaze pilot tries to cobble together a shattered life in the ruins of firebombed Tokyo, but his shame, regret, and trauma from the war-- and a chance encounter with young Godzilla-- have damaged him enough that he can't love the woman and child that need him . . . but he's going to get one more chance at redemption, and so is his country-- which has been leveled to zero by the war, disarmed, and being slowly rebuilt with the help of the U.S. (and famously, General MacArthur) but in this alternate history, Godzilla-- who is more like Jaws or Moby Dick, a senseless force of nature, bent on haphazard destruction, more like an earthquake or tornado than some Marvel monster with recognizable motives-- knocks Japan from zero to "minus one"-- and the rest of the world doesn't really want to get involved with a giant radioactive creature-- the United States is more concerned about the Soviet Union and the Cold War-- so it's up to a ragtag bunch of minesweepers; a plan bordering on pure genius; and Koichi-- the shamed kamikaze pilot-- to rescue not only Japan but Japanese honor and reputation . . . and there's certainly a nod to Dunkirk at the end . . . Ian's girlfriend admitted to getting so involved that she was crying at the end . . . and so was I (and you'd cry to, if you watched this movie).

Half Day of School (That Was Half Good)

Today was the last day of classes at my high school-- next week is exams-- and the day started in a lovely fashion, I played morning hoops and I made my very first shot-- a three-pointer to win the game-- and, after much sweating, fouling, rebounding, and running around-- I made my last shot-- another three-pointer to win the game (and who remembers all those missed shots in the middle? nobody!) and then I walked off the court, happily, and into the locker room, where I showered up and prepared for an easy half-day of yearbook signing (or makeshift yearbook signing since the school collected back all the yearbooks because of the yearbook debacle) and watching "Trini 2 DE Bone" the Hamlet 5.1/alas poor Yorick/Laertes jumping into the grave adjacent Atlanta episode-- but then things took an odd turn: we were watching the eulogies for Sylvia and a student from one of my other classes walked in, and-- some context-- the seniors can be exempt from exams, if they have certain grades or have completed certain requirements, it's teacher's discretion, and its a nice senior privilege-- but this student had cut the last two classes and hadn't taken the test that was required to get an exemption form (which needs to be signed by a parent or guardian) and she came into my room today and attempted to hand me an exemption form and I was like: "what? I didn't GIVE you an exemption form" and she was like "I wasn't here when you gave them out" and I was like "Okay, then you needed to come ask me for a form, not filch one and forge it and then hand it back to the originator and think they forgot that they didn't give you a form?" and then I told her to come back later when I had processed the absurdity of this event-- but she never did-- and then I wrote her up and emailed her parents and now she's coming in on exam day, the only student in that class that is coming in-- so annoying-- and she'll take the 12th Night test and some other exam that I cook up for her . . . and if she would have just asked earlier in the week, I would have told her, take the test and then I'll give you an exemption form but instead she took this oddball road, which is inconvenient to all parties involved (but I had to draw a line in the sand on this one . . . so obnoxious and entitled and just plain silly-- I can't think of the proper metaphor for this: is it like going to the DMV with a license that you made yourself and asking them to certify it? is it like giving your doctor a prescription for opioids that you wrote out yourself?)

Seriously?

Senior class, first period, and there are two more days of actual school (then exams) and everyone knows my cell phone policy (they are a menace; a scourge upon humanity; the devil's technology; designed to foster addiction, polarization, shallow thinking, distraction, and stupidity . . . especially in teenagers, especially during school time) yet a girl has an odd stack of three textbooks on her desk and she's doing something behind the textbooks and her eyes are glancing back and forth rapidly, so I chastised her and made her put her phone in the phone caddy-- shameful for a senior . . . and this was so absurd (and also so typical) that I acted it out in the next period, but I put a student in front of the room and I built the tower of books and played with my phone, so someone could experience the insanity that is giving kids cell-phones and then sending them off to class.

Social Media is Anti-Social

Here's a case of idiotic social media amplification run amok at the high school where I teach. . . a couple of yearbook pictures got inadvertently switched-- easy to do when students are running the show and the mistake was traced back to simple human error-- but the pictures were of two religious/cultural clubs- one mainly Jewish and one mainly Muslim-- and the Jewish club forgot to turn in the names of its members to the yearbook staff so the names aren't in the book-- the same is true for several other clubs that have pages in the book . . . but this case is particularly egregious and symbolic, according to the internet hordes-- and now accusations are flying, people are OUTRAGED! on social media, the worst is being assumed, internet trolls (including a rabbi internet troll) are posting unwarranted rumors about students and teachers and it's a general shitshow, which will blow over when the next stupid story comes along-- but right now, it's fodder for the endless, moronic 24-hour news cycle, which feeds on crap like this.

That's a Wrap!

Successful pickleball and pizza party to end the tennis season-- and everyone got a very special award, in categories such as: "Most Likely to Be Singing a Catchy Song From the 90s on the Bus" and "Best Taste in Sci-fi" and "Most Food Consumed Within 30 Minutes of a Match (without Puking)"-- and my buddy Craig (the AD) and I defended our honor and beat the first, second, and third singles players in various doubles matches, but it won't be long before they figure out the game and start beating us . . . a fun season, a fun party, and while I'm normally not a soda drinker, there's nothing like a mini can of Coke after a long hot day with a bunch of teenagers.

I Thought of This Myself! I Didn't Even Use Pinterest!

Today Cat and I are celebrating our 24th Wedding Anniversary, but instead of buying TWO dozen roses, I saved some money and mathematically transformed one dozen roses into the appropriate amount with a simple formula-- and then I delivered the flowers (and the equation) to her school and was able to present them to her during a fire drill (and her math students were properly amused once they solved the equation, as was my wife).

Moving On In

Alex and his girlfriend are finally situated in their studio apartment in New Brunswick and the move made me realize that putting queen-sized mattresses and box springs on top of the van and then carrying them up several flights of stairs is a young man's game-- my body is sore-- but we were able to use the handicap access elevator to bring a bunch of other things up-- though a resident complained that that was only for handicap use and not for transporting dressers and such-- and, fortuitously, we were also able to fit both dressers, side-by-side, into the closet-- very tight fit . . . we had to lift one dresser up and lower it; today I tool Alex for an epic starter grocery store visit to get all the essentials-- normally Catherin would do this but she was at a dance recital . . . Cat and I did get to celebrate our 24 year anniversary amidst all this moving and shopping, we went to Salt last night and had a delicious, albeit pricey, meal and during the move I did learn something new about my wife as well . . . she told me to look for a Jersey Mike's gift card in her purse to give to Alex and I found out that she is a gift card hoarder . . . I thought we always utilized gift cards right when we got them, but apparently not (and I think elementary school teachers get a lot of gift cards at various times of the year) so we've got some random lunches and shopping to do next weekend.

I Washed (Some Very Particular) Dishes!

Yesterday, when I got home, my wife was having a rather heated discussion with our son about the difference between the communal act of doing the dishes and the selective and annoying act of doing only your dishes-- and the happiness from Happy Hour evaporated.

Tools are Cool

Yesterday, Alex and I went to New Brunswick to buy a table from a college girl for twenty bucks-- Alex is moving into an apartment with his girlfriend next weekend-- and the table was perfect but we were unable to get it out of the little room it resided in . . . and even if we could, there was a warren of hallways and a narrow staircase to navigate, so we needed to take the legs off the table, but this college girl had zero tools-- no pliers, no wrench, no hammer, nothing-- so we had to head home and get some tools and I advised the college girl to get a toolbox and start populating it . . . I was like: "Start with a hammer and a screwdriver" but the real lesson here is you should never leave home without a plethora of tools.

The Fat Lady Has Sung

That's it: tennis season is officially over (aside from the pickleball/pizza/uniform collection party next week) and we put in a good showing against the Group 1 powerhouse Edison Academy . . . my guess is that they will win it all-- and it's always nice to lose the to the ultimate winner-- but my kids played great today, probably because they were such underdogs that there was no pressure; our final hands-in we said "Henry" on three, as that's our only senior and he's the best dude around-- so now that season has concluded, I will have the time to pursue random activities after school, such as utilizing my upright weed-puller on my moss and clover back lawn, trimming the bamboo, digging a dry well, and attending Friday happy hour. 

I'm Tired and I Didn't Even Play . . .

Longest day and longest tennis match ever . . . we left at 2:45 and got home at 7:45 . . . Roselle Park only has four courts-- but we won and advanced to the Group 1 semi-finals, which will occur tomorrow (we play Edison Academy and, barring some kind of miracle, we are going to get whipped).

A Plus in Unattendance

The joys of senior cut-day . . . 100% absenteeism in my three senior classes!

Whitney, Elaine, Zoom, Schwartz, Profigliano, etcetera

Catherine and I made the long haul home today from Virginia Beach-- we were down there for my buddy Whitney's third wedding (or the third wedding Cat and I have attended . . . maybe he's also had a few secret weddings) but, as they say, third time is a charm and his new wife Elaine is totally charming-- it's the Goldilocks magic of threes-- too hot, too cold, just right . . . so this one is going to last-- anyway, too tired to write a coherent sentence but some quick recollections: the wedding band was amazing . . . they are called Full Moon Fever and they are a Tom Petty Tribute Band-- I could never stray too far from the dance floor because they managed to play several hours of Tom Petty, each song better than the last . . . and we went from the wedding venue-- Whitney's dad's place on a gold course (or more like IN a golf course) to Aloha Snacks in downtown Virginia Beach-- the shuttle ride was chaotic and claustrophobic but the shuttle did have two stripper poles inside-- people were definitely three sheets to the wind at the afterparty but we did rustle up a game of "Zoom" -- Cat took some video because she had never seen it live . . . it's the reason girls didn't really talk to us in college-- then we took a LONG and SLOW walk back with Zman to our Airbnb on 19th Street-- Catherine's feet were killing her because she had been in heels for seven hours-- the next day, yesterday, was lovely-- we went to the beach twice, in the morning after walking through the ViBe Creative district-- which is full of colorful painted murals and eating some delicious breakfast treats from Prosperity Kitchen and Pantry-- highly recommended . . . especially the pizza and the Vegan chocolate chip cookie, which was suggested to us by the yoga girl in the peach Lululemon outfit-- and then we met Stu and a few others at Atlantic on Pacific for the best happy hour I've ever been to-- it's every day from 3 PM to 6 PM and the deals are fantastic-- then we met the gang on the beach at 58th Street, had a few beers, and walked to the lawn at the Cavalier Hotel before saying good-bye and taking the long walk back to 17th Street, where we got some excellent ice cream at Lolly's Creamery and then went to bed so we could arise early today and beat the traffic . . . and excellent weekend, amazing wedding, congrats to Whitney and Elaine, and it was awesome to catch up with all the folks at the party.

I Also Got Kneed in the Quad

I completed a classic Quadrathlon today: I finished teaching Act IV of Hamlet; biked to the park; played an hour of pickleball; and then played two hours of full-court basketball with my son Alex and a bunch of youngsters . . . and now I wish I turned the A/C on before I left.

The Tennis Team is Hot

My tennis team eked out a 3-2 victory over Bound Brook today, in the heat-- we ran out of water but the other team graciously provided us with some, and one of our players ran out of gas and lost in a tiebreaker because his opponent doggedly ran down every shot, despite the unseasonably scorching temperatures-- but our first doubles team came through I the clutch and we live on to play another match next week when it should be cooler (and then, once we got back to Highland Park, my son Alex and I went down to the park and played some two-on-two basketball with some guys that played tennis in Highland Park back in the day-- and we shot poorly but sweated superbly).

I Should Get My Van License

Another long day: and there's nothing worse after a hot traffic-clogged tennis match van ride (in which the van driver, a cute little middle-aged Hispanic lady with a very liberal sense of lane maintenance, kept getting lost-- I spent three seconds texting zman and when I looked up we were going the wrong direction down Route 1 . . . serves me right for texting and passenging) than arriving to find the opposing team only has four courts-- because you have to play five matches, so that means things are going to take a while-- but the opposing coach and I did get fairly close to a mangy (and probably overheated) fox-- and once we got back to the school, the bus driver told me to complain to the van company because they "never fix the A/C" and she's right-- none of the vans we take to matches ever have working A/C but most of the season is fairly temperate-- and even though we only have one or two more matches, I'm going to call and complain, for her sake, because she's got to drive people around in circles in that thing all summer.

Beer Gives Me Strength to Carry On

Long fucking day-- I worked every minute of the school day (due to coverage periods) and then I raced to a very hot tennis practice, where I learned that after school my first singles player stepped in a hole while chasing his friend's car, hurt his foot, and might be out for our State Tournament Match-- so this sentence is brought to you by a couple of well-deserved beers-- without them, I might not have had the persistence and gumption to sit down at the kitchen computer and write this half-assed description of what I did today:

Period 1: Special Ed coverage-- the kids did some work and then we did all the puzzles . . . Connections, the Mini, Wordle, and the Monday NYT Crossword-- which is easy-peasy;

Period 2: mock-epic examples, including some Mark Leyner and rites of passage-- so that they could read "Honey Harvest" and I could do my fake-bee-in-the-cup routine;

Period 3: in my new sophomore class (because Denise had to go and have a baby) we did some Emily Dickinson poems that feature portrayals of death (I Heard a Fly Buss When I Died, Because I Did Not Stop For Death, and I Felt a Funeral in My Brain) and I also showed them a clip from Meet Joe Black and Bill and Ted's 2;

Period 4: Shakespeare intro and 12th Night coming attractions.

Dave Returns to Normalcy

Yesterday was absurd, but back to normal today: I got up early and finished a new episode of my podcast-- "Stayin' Alive: Could You Survive the Apocalypse? Would You Want To?" and then I walked the dog and collected some very green and moist moss from under the bleachers in the park, to continue propagating my backyard moss garden, next I rode my bike to the pickleball courts, played for a few hours, came home and grilled burgers for the family, and went upstairs for a two-hour nap, and now I've finished my stupid lesson plans for all my classes tomorrow (I teach an extra prep on A days right now) and in a moment I'm going to plant some creeping thyme and then settle in for the Knicks/Pacers game seven (and the Timberwolves/Nuggets Game Seven) . . . today is far better than SuperBowl Sunday.

The American Dream?

My wife and I were doing it like "real" Americans today . . . we woke up kind of hungover-- our friends' daughter Kayleigh put on a much better show than the Knicks last night-- sweated out the booze at the gym, and then headed to the Jersey Shore Premium Outlets? what? yup, it was time for my quinquennial clothes shopping spree-- I needed clothes for a couple of weddings, new golf shirts for work, running shoes, etcetera-- so after a grueling couple of hours of shopping, some advice from Yolanda at Banana Republic, and a whole lotta teacher discounts, we went to lunch at a fairly lousy nearby deli and then headed home, took a nap, and started doing our normal morning chores-- laundry, vacuuming, bathrooms, gardening-- at night!-- and this is stuff we never do at night-- we're morning people-- but I just ate dinner-- at 8:00 PM!-- and I imagine that there are people, right now-- at this late hour-- buying stuff in malls and grocery shopping and heading to Home Depot-- but every five years is plenty for this kind of living.