Sentence of Dave
The Required Amount at the Prescribed Rate (Handcrafted From the Finest Corinthian Leather)
Three Reasons Dave Will Be Remembered For Eternity
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In no particular order, here are my three greatest contributions to society: 1) The "Don't Eat It" Psychological Mind Trick ...
7 comments:
Take Shelter is a Movie, Not A Rolling Stones Song!
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Take Shelter-- an excellent film which I will sadly admit that I referred to as "Gimme Shelter" on several occasions-- is wel...
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No Country For Old Sissies
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I was discussing my mother-in-law's various medical problems with one of her friends, and she offered me this aphoristic gem, which she ...
Jersey's Finest
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New Jersey has the best pizza in the world, the fattest governor in the world, and the best surrealist-post-modern hyperkinetic meta-fic...
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The Scream is so 90's . . . 1890's
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Some lunatic paid 119.9 million dollars for Edward Munch's "The Scream" last night, and I don't think that's a very...
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Michael Chiklis and Andrew Strong are the Same Person
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The proof is in the pudding: Andrew Strong never made a guest appearance on The Shield , and Vic Mackey never breaks into song after h...
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Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen #6
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Watching video of something extinct is poignant, nostalgic, and sad . . . but the knowledge of the subject's impending demise imbues t...
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Cryptonomicon
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I finally finished Neal Stephenson's 915 page tour de force of a novel Cryptonomicon, and a number of superlatives are appropriate: ...
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America: Home of the Grill, Land of the Knave
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Only in America will the pimple faced grill guy from Lowe's-- whose camouflage boxers protrude conspicuously from his pants-- advise ...
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My Son Ian: Creative Genius or Incorrigible Weirdo?
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Last Tuesday, I confronted my six year old son Ian at 5:05 PM about the inordinate number of Cheez-It brand baked snack crackers he was cons...
The Descendents > The Descendants
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If you have the choice, you're much better off listening to Milo Goes to College, rather than watching The Descendants . . . thou...
Learning to Let a Sleeping Cat Lie . . .or Lay . . . Whatever She Prefers
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Last week I corrected my wife for using the word "lay" instead of "lie," and when she questioned me about the proper usa...
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Far Better Than The Corn Palace
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It makes sense that the world's largest kaleidoscope is near Woodstock, New York and it also makes sense that the eleven minute show ...
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Hey Sylvia Plath! Get Your Act Together! April is National Poetry Month!
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April is the month to celebrate poets and poetry , and so I will share one of my poems here (and please don't be intimidated by how good...
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The Potato Apostrophe Catastrophe
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So last week, I thought to myself, if I were able to speak to a corporation, this is what I would say: "Hey Herr's . . . how about...
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Ergonomic Canine Generated Plectrum
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My dog chewed on one of my guitar picks, and now it fits perfectly between my finger and thumb (which makes me wonder if I can train him t...
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How to Cultivate a Green Thumb
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Watering my wife's garden would be monotonous, if it weren't for the magical powers of beer.
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Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen #5
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David Cronenberg's eXistenZ came out at the same time as The Matrix , but it wasn't as popular-- possibly because it's easier...
Life Isn't Fair (But You Don't Have to Rub It In)
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My son Alex got in trouble for punching his younger brother in the head yesterday, and I am partly to blame-- Ian was telling us about his ...
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Nostradavus (If You Are A Member of My Wife's Book Club, Do Not Read This!)
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Using my magnificent powers of clairvoyance and divination , I am going to make a stunningly useless prediction: in the near future, my wif...
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Meme Song (Dave Coins an Essential New Phrase!)
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From the same mind that brought you the eternally delightful and eminently practical word Tupperawareness , comes another hand-crafted, ho...
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Hiking + Amphibians = Happy Children
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Happiness is flipping over a rock and finding a salamander . . . but you've got to flip a lot of rocks before you hit the jackpot; we ...
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A Dirty Family Secret
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When we go on vacation, we let our boys watch cable TV .
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No Escape From the Theme
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So Wednesday night my wife spent eight hours in the emergency room with her mother, who needed an emergency nephrostomy, and then she spent...
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Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen #4
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If you haven't seen The Shield start to finish, then you are really missing out; from the fantastic pilot that sets the plot arc for ...
Life Can Be Funny (Not "Ha Ha" Funny)
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One moment you may find yourself in aptly named High Falls, New York-- standing beneath a waterfall with your wife, watching your boys ski...
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Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen #3
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I love pretty much everything documentarian Errol Morris has done, but if you're going to get into his work, you might as well start ...
Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen #2
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This clip of David Cross selling Thunder Muscle energy drink is NOT SAFE FOR WORK . . . and if you find this sort of thing funny ( my wife...
Special Vacation Update!
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Shockingly, they have Wi-Fi in the Catskills . . . so I am on vacation and I am on-line; I even managed to write a complete post over at Gh...
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Some Good Movies and TV You May Not Have Seen
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My family is heading to the Catskills for Spring Break, but I don't want to leave all my dedicated fans in the lurch . . . so each day...
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Melancholia Makes My Wife Angry (Except For One Brief Moment)
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Melancholia , a pretentiously artsy film about depression and the end of the world, did not have the intended effect on my wife . . . inst...
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I Seek Wisdom From the Crowd
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Several years ago, my friend Whitney and I laid an interesting wager on a game of darts-- this was very late at night and after many beers...
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Breaking News in the World of Cheap Mexican Food!
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For as long as I can remember, Burrito Royale was a sketchy but constant staple on Route 1 in South Brunswick; I often got food there when ...
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This Is a Peccary (No Relation To A Pessary)
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I will never understand the mysteries of the internet, but apparently people are coming to Sentence of Dave to look at a picture of a pecca...
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Chris McDougall vs. Dr. Kates (Literature vs. Podiatry)
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It's a showdown remisicent of Godzilla versus Rodan: my foot doctor advised me not to run until the lab finished making my orthotic shoe...
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Unreasonable Expectations
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Though he had the best intentions, my brother set up my son Alex for much future disappointment; he gave us tickets to see the Red Bulls'...
Battle Royale > The Hunger Games (Book) > The Hunger Games (Film)
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If you feel the need to see a bunch of teenagers slaughtering each other in an organized contest, then watch renowned Japanese director Kin...
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We Love You!
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Just wanted to give a big shout out to all the fine people who can't seem to park their vehicle in between the lines . . . and I'm ...
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sentence of e e dave
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i will no longer use caps and/or punctuation in my sentences (and they will be much more artistic because of this) i hope you like t...
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This Food Is Not Yet Rated
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The Surgeon General needs to institute a food rating system; macaroni and cheese would be rated G, as not only is it is bland, but-- even b...
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Sometimes You're Soft and Sometimes You're Hard
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So everybody likes to say they are "hardcore," whether you claim to be a hardcore surfer, hardcore mountain climber, or hardcore s...
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Creepy Surveillance Contest: U.S. vs. Syria
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Here is one of my favorite stories from my time in Syria, and it sounds like America is following suit: my friend Drew-- a Canadian -- was ...
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Anti-social Notworking Part II
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Facebook has advanced one step closer to the idea I pitched to them in 2009 (and by "pitched" I mean wrote it on this blog and ...
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Crazy Asians
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On Saturday mornings at the park by my house, a bunch of older Asian guys play something that vaguely resembles basketball -- they position ...
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The Kindness of an Old Lady in a House Robe
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Unlike Blanche DuBois, it's not often that I've depended upon the kindness of strangers-- and we all know, from the murder of Kitty...
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Take It Slow?
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Patience is certainly a virtue-- but it is a virtue that can be expended-- and once your tank is empty, you don't sputter and roll to a ...
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I Should Be Doing Something Other Than Writing This Sentence (But I Forget What It Is)
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So here is a question for married folks: if you and your spouse combined are equivalent to one brain, then do you play the role of the long-...
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What Do The Pontiff and My Dog Have in Common?
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Like the pope , my dog prefers to shit in the woods (except when he has the runs . . . then he shits in the playroom . . . my dog, I mean . ...
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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Game of Thrones
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I read George R.R. Martin's fantasy masterpiece Game of Thrones last year, and I was nervous about how it would translate to the smal...
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I Am A Big Hairy Clock
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Last week, when I began my usual rant about Daylight Savings Time , my wife said, "It's like clockwork," and I said, "It&...
Darth Vader vs. Sirius
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Though my loyal readers expressed their disgust with some of the recent content on Sentence of Dave, I think the root cause of this story a...
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Miracles Happen to Me . . . Frequently
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Lately, Dave has been blessed, as he has borne witness to myriad miracles, behold: I was teaching the start of Act IV of Hamlet , the secti...
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Midnight in Paris: Romantically Modern
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Woody Allen's movie Midnight in Paris did the impossible-- it actually made me want to visit Paris-- he films the old architecture ...
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One Tiny Step For Dave . . . and Zero Significance for Mankind.
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I'm seriously thinking about thinking seriously about purchasing a mini-van . . . no that's not true: I am thinking seriously about ...
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Let's Take A Moment and Think Logically
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So now that all the uproar over Daylight Saving Time is over, let pitch my plan to you-- and I will admit that when I first explained this p...
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A Good Walk Spoiled (By My Dog's Anus)
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My son Alex asked me if I could bring our dog Sirius when I picked him up from school on Tuesday, and of course I obliged him, as nothing is...
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Don't Beat Yourself Up . . . Blame It On Daylight Saving Time
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Note to self: coupons don't work unless you take them out of your pocket and actually hand them to the cashier (and, of course, I made ...
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An Unworthy Cause
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I know there are worthier causes to devote my time to-- people around the world are starving and oppressed; the ice caps are melting; the ra...
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I am an Idiot, My Wife is a Saint
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Friday, as I was pulling into the school parking lot, I felt my cell phone buzz and I instantly remembered what I had neglected to do . . . ...
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If You're Going Shopping, It's Best To be Angry
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In Thinking, Fast and Slow , Daniel Kahneman shares a wealth of evidence that our intuition works better when we are in a good mood-- we are...
Milestone (From An Outside Perspective)
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The other day I went skiing with my two sons, who are six and eight, and it was the first time I took them without the help of my wife, and ...
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Ill-Suited Adjective
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The marketing department at Herr's needs to have a stern word with the advertising genius who decided to add the adjective Creamy -- wr...
A Bad Choice Followed By A Good Choice
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I made a bad when choice when I ate the entire bag of All Natural Kettle Style Sweet Potato Chips in a fit of gluttony after work on Tuesday...
Dead Letter Etiquette
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What is the requisite length of time you should keep a card? . . . birthday, Christmas, or otherwise . . . and does it matter who gave you t...
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More Stuff High School Kids Wouldn't Like
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Every three years the teachers at my school put on a "Faculty Follies," and though I participated my first year teaching (I played...
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Sometimes You Need to State the Obvious
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I went to a Wizards game Saturday night and Gheorghe Muresan made an appearance in our suite: he is tall, very tall.
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If You Like Pina Coladas and Making Love to Yourself
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In my creative class, we listened to Allen Ginsberg read a poem called "Personals Ad," and many of the students had never heard ...
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High School Kids Don't Care About This
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Daniel Kahneman's new book Thinking, Fast and Slow, describes and contrasts two "systems" in our brains-- fast thinking an...
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A Number of Universal Significance
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Today is the day, I turn forty-two-- the meaning of life but according to who? and if you know, I'm willing to bet that you have read a...
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Glad I'm a Dad
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Dads talk about what they did with their kids, while moms talk about what they neglected to do.
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