Bonus: A Gheorghe-mas Song at G:TB

I received a request to write a "Gheorghe-mas Song" over at Gheorghe: The Blog (we do The 12 Days of Gheorghe-mas there every year) and this was an assignment I couldn't refuse, especially because I could express some of my Xmas Anger in the lyrics: so check it out, if you dare.

Kids Misbehaving? F#$@ Santa Claus. Just Have Them Watch Shutter Island

If Santa Claus doesn't motivate your children to behave well, and instead of positive reinforcement, you wish to try positive punishment, then I recommend showing them the new Martin Scorcese film Shutter Island . . . and if your kids are anything like me, then they will think it's going to be a fun film-noir romp on a spooky island full of evil experiments and old Nazis, but that's not what it's about at all; it is actually about insanity and filicide . . . the movie may scare your children into being good for a couple of years, but it may also scare you: it is also an extremely disturbing and tragic; I told my wife that it was rather unrealistic and that a mother would never do that to her children, but she reminded me of this news story and this news story and I had to admit that she had me, and then I was even more disturbed and depressed and so I give this movie 8 million rats out of a possible 10 million, but with this caveat: DO NOT watch this movie if you are looking for a good time!

I Am Tested On My Promised Yule-Tide Cheer

Soon after I promised my wife and students that I would exhibit more Christmas spirit, I was sorely tested on my pledge-- and I would like to think that I passed with flying colors: first, when I went to my parents to pick up my children, my mom roped me into setting up their new plastic tree . . . which I did with minimal grumbling (and without mention of the environmental hazards of PVC, dioxin, ethylene dichloride, vinyl chloride, and lead poisoning) but my mom did not like the new tree once it was erected, so I then disassembled the new tree, fit it back into the box, put the box in her car so she could return it, and lugged the old plastic tree up from the basement and assembled that one; second, after surviving that ordeal without a meltdown, I then returned home to find my wife struggling with a string of lights-- she had wound them around the porch and shrubs only to find that when she plugged them in, they did not all light, and I counseled her to simply buy some new lights and-- so I wouldn't lose my patience and melt down-- I used a scissors to remove the non-working strands and tossed them in the garbage, and then when the new string of lights my wife purchased did not all light, I removed each tiny bulb in the string until I hit upon the dead bulb and I replaced that one with a live bulb, fixing the entire string, and again, I did this with minimal grumbling so Santa Claus better bring me a lot of good loot this year because I deserve it.

Christmas Rant #2,894,987

Some of my students were appalled the other day when I revealed my Grinch-like attitude towards Christmas; I don't remember what set me off, but it always happens, the littlest reminder can send me on a long rant about wrapping paper and Christmas trees and the environment, about how Santa Claus has defeated Jesus and how awful music has defeated them both, about consumption, materialism, and the pressure to buy everyone some sort of unnecessary object, etcetera . . . and I'm not allowed to mention these feelings anywhere else-- I try to keep them from my kids and my wife will punch me in the face if I mention them to her and no one in the English office needs to hear these opinion again so I end up preaching to a captive audience . . . but my students have convinced me to have a better attitude and I even promised to help Catherine with the lights and I'm going to try to buy non-material gifts, although I did have a great idea for a personalized gift that doesn't waste any resources or cause any extra pollution: I present all of my loved ones with a personalized list of Dewey Decimal numbers that refer to books I think they would like to read . . . e.g. I might give myself Dewey Decimal number 813.54 21.

Merry Buy-A-Bunch-of-Shit-We-Don't-Needmas

In the spirit of the Copenhagen Climate Summit, I promise to reduce my cynicism by 80% by the year 2050, but until then: Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring even greater tidings of energy use and materialism . . . perhaps this will be the year when our economy gets humming again and we start consuming an even greater amount of the earth's resources.

Xmas Sux

Today in the English office I gave the first of my anti-Christmas rants, and-- as the 25th approaches-- I expect they will increase both in their frequency and in their inclusion of blasphemy and profanity.