Living Under the Shadow of a Big Dumb Cup

My wife and I went to my buddy Terry's yesterday for some poolside fun, and while the food and the weather and the water and the company were all fantastic, the best thing about this outing to the suburbs of Manalapan—which is a fairly long drive from Highland Park, especially due to the state of Route 18—is that my wife left her Big Dumb Cup at Terry's house (and this blunder was in no way engineered by me . . . I'm not that smart) and so my wife's menacing behemoth cup (and the straw) are a good thirty-five minutes from our kitchen . . . but now my wife is threatening to buy another Big Dumb Cup to replace this one—because apparently all of our other water bottles suck—so my nightmare might be doubled if my wife purchases another one and then Terry returns the one she left . . . right now I'm enjoying life out from under the looming shadow of the Big Dumb Cup, but for how long, for how long?

Let Us Reflect Upon How Menacing These Big Dumb Cups Are

My high school students, my wife, and-- according to this SNL Skit-- a large portion of the female populace (i.e. pretty ladies who drive massive cars; women between the ages of 12 and 70; women who visit Target on the daily; women who are "physically, or at least spiritually, blond") possess Big Dumb Cups—and any time I see these things in the wild (unless they are in a car cupholder) I complain about their size, their top-heaviness, the danger of them tipping over, and their general absurdity . . . they are menacing; the other day, my wife's Big Dumb Cup was on the counter by the sink, and it tipped and FELL into a sink full of fragile dishes and glasses—those are real photos, not a reenactment! --and while we were lucky that the Big Dumb Cup didn't land directly on a pint glass and shatter it, it could have; it certainly could have . . . and I don't know what to do about this trend, as my wife and my students LOVE their Big Dumb Cups more than I've ever loved a cup— so there's no separating these people from their Big Dumb Cups, but if you know someone who owns one of these things, you should at least make them suffer through the SNL skit (which isn't very good, honestly, but it might make these people reflect on just how big and how dumb these cups really are).