Dave's Surefire Recipe For Getting Sick

Here's my recipe for getting sick. I've perfected it over the years. You'd think by this age, I'd know better, but I just did it all again (although I have learned about the power of Mucinex).

1) Start with a sore throat. Attribute this to talking too much. Everyone at work will insist you are getting sick and tell you to stay home. Ignore this advice. Get some Swedish fish and a big cup of coffee from Wawa on the way home and decide that is all you needed.

2) Totally lose your voice, but go to school anyway. Write things on the board and point at them. Behave like a mime. At this point, your friends and colleagues will begin to shun you. They will sanitize all surfaces you come in contact with and leave the office when you enter. Insist that you are fine. Go to Wawa on your free period and get some decaf coffee.

3) Go downhill fast. Waste your Saturday sleeping and complaining. Your eyes hurt. Your face hurts. Take Nyquil. Sleep a bunch. Wake up feeling dry and hazy. Nyquil only masks the symptoms.

4) Start taking whatever prescription drugs are leftover from the last time you were sick. Especially those Benzoanate pearls.

5) Mucous and more mucous. Go to the store and by some Rite-Aid brand Mucinex. The real shit is too expensive.

6) Feel a bit better. This is due to the drugs, but decide you are totally healed. Participate in some kind of intense sporting event. (this time it was indoor soccer). Play pretty well. Feel pretty good (aside from the mucous).

7) Get home from the sport and collapse. But your knees feel less sore than normal because of all the naproxen and ibuprofen in your system. This is a perk.

8. Acknowledge you are sick and stay home from work--finally-- and rest. Watch a depressing movie, because you are going to die soon. (This time it was Marriage Story . . . pretty depressing and great acting but I didn't need another story about actors).

9. Take lots of hot showers and use the Neti pot.

10. Miraculously recover! And then watch the rest of your friends and family come down with the virus you have wrought upon them.