Preparing For St. Patrick's Day (and the End of the Anthropocene)


Long after the human race has wound down and gone extinct-- the last of the fossil fuels extracted and burnt; the last of the plastics catalyzed and extruded; the rivers and wetlands polluted and poisoned; the oceans barren and static; the soil-- dry and spent-- blowing in the hot wind; roaches, crows, pigeons, rats, and raccoons the only creatures left to roam the depleted biosphere-- long after this, when some other civilization arises (or visits, from the far reaches of the galaxy) and they examine our digital detritus, they will recognize exactly when the humans stepped off the precipice and plunged into the abyss of frivolity and utter disaster and this moment is when Terry, Cunningham and Liz were in the English Office, looking at someone's phone, and vocalizing superlatives about an Inflatable Irish Pub . . .  for a moment I got sucked into the fun, but then I thought twice-- a difficult action in the time of tweets and and snaps-- and I took a look inside the inflatable pub and I recognized the pub for what it was . . . a waste of plastic, a fruitless endeavor, a giant scam, and a vivid and rubbery air-filled symbol that portends the inevitable fall of man . . . here's why:

1) there is no inflatable floor, so it's not even a bouncy inflatable Irish pub . . . if it were bouncy, you could get some exercise, mosh to The Pogues, perhaps "inadvertently" bounce into that special lass or lad you've had your eye on . . . but nope, this is just a shed made of polymers, similar to the one in my backyard, which I never try to foist off as an Irish pub;

2) there's an inflatable fireplace inside, which is patently stupid because

a) it obviously can't hold a real fire;

b) no one wants to look at a fake fireplace while they're sweating their ass off in an unventilated polyethylene kiln;


3) every Irish pub should have a dart board and this pub does not-- I recognize why it does not have a dart board, as pointed objects would endanger the inflatable nature of the pub . . . but that's the moment when the inflatable Irish pub designers should have stepped back and recognized the idiocy of their project;

4) there are no inflatable leprechauns inside this pub, and while I don't expect leprechauns in a real Irish pub (I am 48 years old) there's absolutely no reason not to have a few blow-up leprechauns in this inflatable abortion, leprechauns you could toss around, punt into the rafters, pretend to hump . . . whatever, in order to differentiate this product from a big plastic lawn tent, which is all it is . . . and so I've decided NOT to attend any parties that host one of these contraptions, in a quixotic (and probably misguided) attempt to take a stand for something, anything, in this absurd economy of ours, and I hope you will do the same.

25 comments:

  1. Immediately after posting this comment I'm going over to Amazon to order an inflatable pub for all of my future parties.

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  2. wouldn't it be easier to just not invite me . . .

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  3. i guess it's better if i don't go and i'm also angry about it

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  4. You should probably wait until you're invited before you refuse to attend something, but I think both parties are safe with your current stance.

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  5. i disagree. i think the "preemptive refusal" is a great strategy to maintain self-esteem. which is why i'm refusing to attend the oscars next year. not enough claymation.

    so academy people, don't bother to invite me.

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  6. It's infinitely better to invite you to attend my inflatable pub party and have you refuse so everyone who comes to the party can laugh at you for missing out on drinking awesome Irish beers and whiskey and playing electric soft-tip darts in what is essentially a tent so you can enjoy the outdoors and have a place to hang out if the sun is too hot or it rains, while you instead sit alone in your basement reading obscure tomes that rail against the advancement of civilization and write overly long sentences about how you feel superior to other people because you don't do fun things like drinking Irish whiskey at outdoor parties.

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  7. Inflatable abortion? Aggressive terminology on International Women’s Day. I guess you and your white male privilege are too worried about fossil fuels, plastics, and pub authenticity to concern yourself with possible microaggressions.

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  8. ok, ok . . . i apologize. i want to come to the party now. with the international women.

    international women . . .

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  9. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xEcMG2Jvx3k

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  10. We kind of glossed over the leprechaun humping

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  11. That isn't a regular thing for you?

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  12. Awesome sentence. This is why I read every day.

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  13. "Sweating" in the infla-pub, Dave? "Too hot," Z?

    What's the temp usually like on March 17 in New Jersey??

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  14. What if the pseudo-Irish pub were made of compost and recycled material? Would Dave come down out of his ivory tower that's not made of real ivory -- f those poachers -- and attend?

    What's more offensive to the environment, a plastic facsimile of the Corner Tavern or the real Corner Tavern?

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  15. Also, Dave:

    Florida lawmakers vote to stay in Daylight Saving Time all year long
    https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/07/us/florida-year-round-daylight-saving-time-trnd/index.html

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  16. I think Dave and I like to party all the time, much like Eddie Murphy's girl (not that Dave parties with girls), and not just on St. Patrick's Day, hence the hypothetical hothouse conditions in the inflatable pub on a summer day.

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  17. Why can’t the inflatable pub have AC? Of course, Dave is anti AC so that would be one more thing to add to the list of inflata-pub grievances.

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  18. Oh! Wut kinda fugazi inflatable pub ah yoo tryna pull ovah he-yah? Wut kinda marmalook puts ayuh cundishnin in a inflatable pub?

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  19. Marls is so fuggin soft evah since he mooved to da souf.

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  20. if it wasn't for the sweating, i'd move to florida because of that daylight savings decision.

    and the important thing is i've got everyone discussing these matters: a compost and recycled goods irish pub would be fantastic compared to this atrocity, and perhaps i need to be more sensitive to offending minority groups, such as women and leprechauns.

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  21. Did you know there are no female leprechauns? That there is some bullshit. I'm pretty sure this is why they started International Women's Day.

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  22. And you don't need AC when you have a T-top.

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  23. What is the most number of comments on any SoD entry?

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  24. this could be the record. luck of the irish!

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