The Required Amount at the Prescribed Rate (Handcrafted From the Finest Corinthian Leather)
Who Do You Root For?
After my favorite morning sequence at Sea Isle: a 6 AM minimalist run on the beach-- barefoot, hat, sunglasses, shorts, spandex-- and then a swim in the ocean (I strip down to just my spandex, usually there is no one out on the beach except scattered fishermen, but this morning a woman happened to be walking by right when I stripped off my shorts, resulting in her suffering beach injuries #3 and #4 . . . her eyes will never recover from the images of me in the bright morning light, my thick hairy body stuffed in a pair of spandex) and then I take an outdoor shower . . . and while I was in the shower this morning, I felt a bump on my back . . . a greenhead fly-- apparently undaunted by my hairy spandex clad body-- had bitten me after I swam, while I was walking back up the beach to our house, and then when I got out of the outdoor shower, I noticed a furious struggle near the upper corner of the stall; another greenhead fly was trapped in a spider web and the spider was trying to dispatch it with its venomous bite, zipping over and attacking the fly, then running back up the web because the fly was a good deal bigger than the spider and this happened over and over and while I don't love spiders-- they freak me out a little bit, especially when I stare into their seventeen eyes-- in this instance I was all for the eight-legger, and I couldn't look away from this miniature yet gruesome spectacle-- I wan ted to see the conclusion and I wanted that fly to die a slow death, encased in a silk web, its juices slowly sucked from its body-- because in the hierarchy of creepy-crawlies, nothing is lower than a greenhead fly; unfortunately, this wasn't a feel-good nature documentary . . . the fly escaped, and while it was stunned, I tried to smash it with a stick so I could fling it back into the web, but I only injured it and it flew off to lick its wounds and bite some other poor soul's back.
I'm rooting for the woman to make a full recovery
ReplyDeleteIt's a feel-good story if you're an insect!
ReplyDeleteThe protagonist greenhead gets trapped in a predator's web. The evil spider is poisoning our hero and trying to kill him!! At last, the little guy breaks free and flies to freedom! But no! Only to have a huge bald-headed, hairy giant in weird spandex come at him! This giant... with unsightly bulges and -- almost scarier -- paintings of creatures that kill and eat flies like our hero Greenie inked into his shoulders and legs just to terrify Greenie... now he starts clumsily wielding a huge stick and flailing it about in uncoordinated fashion, claiming to be "stunned" by our little friend. Ha ha! Stupid giant! But no! He strikes Greenie with the stick! Luckily the giant must be pathetically weak, I mean if he can't kill a tiny fly with a stick but just "injured" it. Ha ha! Weak giant! But he has struck our hero, and the end could be nigh... but hooray! Greenie flies off and lives to tell the tale to his friends, family, and fans everywhere!
Gree-nie! Gree-nie!
Like the dullards in Yankee Stadium:
green
head
fly-y
clap
clap
clap clap clap
(repeat ad nauseum)
You'll laugh! You'll cry! It's the feelgood hit of the summer! Stay tuned for the sequel:
Greenie II: Electric Boogaloo
...I mean, I hate greenhead flies, too, but perspective is everything.
Even Mickey Mouse can kill seven flies in one blow.
ReplyDeletegood point good point, but i was trying to gently kill the greenhead so i could flip him into the web-- if i wanted to smash him i could have. luckily, the wind shifted, and after being swarmed by them on a hike this morning, they have been blown into the pine barrens.
ReplyDeleteoh, by the way, i've grown my hair out and dyed it blonde. and i've reassigned my gender.
ReplyDeletethis morning in strathmere was like a horror movie, we ran for the car, a horde of greenheads in hot pursuit, got in, killed a few in the car, and then drove away, greenheads clinging to the windshield and mirrors etcetera.
ReplyDelete