The Most Athletic Thing I've Ever Done (and Possibly The Most Athletic Thing Anyone Has Ever Done)

You may have completed a triathlon or done a "tough mudder,"perhaps you've knocked in a hole-in-one or climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro . . . and while these are all impressive athletic feats, they pale in comparison to what I did late Saturday night (actually early Sunday morning) after a long evening of beer drinking with the boys -- Zman was nice enough to let us  crash at his house after the Old 97's/Drive-By Truckers show, but Zman was not nice enough to adult-proof his house . . . and I thank him for this (and his 1 1/2 year old son . . . if Cole were a girl this never would have happened) and so while I was carrying an open jar of Grey Poupon mustard to the living room -- for use on some pepperoni and cheese -- I stepped into the box-bed of a Tonka dump truck, and when the truck rolled forward, with my foot on the bed, this propelled both my feet into the air, so that my body was three feet aloft and horizontal to the ground -- and it was in this moment, parallel to the hardwood floor, that I thought to myself: "the mustard! I can't spill the mustard!" because I didn't want to get Zman in trouble with Zwoman, because his insensitive fraternity brother stained the couch with mustard . . . and so instead of breaking my fall with my hands, I took one for the team, fell flat on my side (with a resounding thump which brought everyone running) and I spilled not one drop of mustard . . . nor did I suffer any lasting injury, and though I don't remember this, Zman reports that in my stunned state, I said to him: "I just did the most athletic thing anyone has ever done."



6 comments:

zman said...

The actual quote is "I just did the most athletic thing anyones ever done."

Clarence said...

Any soreness two days later? The common thought was that you were so drunk that your loosened muscles made for lesser injury.

Dave said...

my right hip hurts a bit, but not much, considering -- and it was already injured from playing soccer, so i think i got quite lucky in that regard. and i like the actual quote even better.

zman said...

The way you said it is key. You weren't trying to be funny, you were in dead-serious awe of what you accomplished. zwoman thought a bookcase fell over.

zman said...

zwoman says it was Maille mustard, not Grey Poupon.

rhinolips said...

Sounds kind of like when the drunk driver always walks away from the wreck unscathed.

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