Instant Fish

There are certain things you shouldn't buy used-- condoms, fuzzy toilet seat covers, handkerchiefs, and enema kits-- but as for everything else, it might be worth it to take the risk and check Craigslist . . . my son Alex asked for a fish tank for his birthday and when you add up the price of the tank and all the gadgets you need, the set-up is pretty expensive, so I took a ride to Avenel and bought a tank from a very nice dude named Sooraj-- and for eighty dollars he gave me everything: 29 gallon tank, hood, filter, heater, pump, gravel, live plants, net, siphon, plastic plants, thermometer, a castle, food, chemicals, and even his fish . . . he dismantled it all in front of me, very methodically, and placed everything into bags and buckets, and then I brought it home, set it up in an hour, and so far the fish survived the trip and water change . . . so my advice is this: at some point in their life, just about everyone has a fish tank, and at some point, just about everyone decides that the last thing they want in their life is a fish tank, so if you want a fish-tank, get a used one.

14 comments:

Igor said...

Things not to buy used:

- retainer
- athletic supporter
- anything "for her pleasure"

borderline:

- hearing aid
- socks
- back scratcher

Lecky said...

Fish taco coming soon? All eyes on the count

Dave said...

we're having falafel tonight-- but if i put it in a pita is it a taco?

Igor said...

Things that don't count as tacos:

- falafel in pitas
- hummus in pitas
- baba ghanoush in pitas
- any food in pitas
- mu shu pork
- Ethiopian Teff wraps
- lettuce wraps
- any other kinds of "wraps"
- pork roll
- egg roll
- burritos
- enchiladas
- tamales
- any other Mexican dishes
- Fat Bitch* wrapped in wax paper

*the sandwich, I wasn't being sadistic, misogynistic, or kinky

I am into lists today.

Lecky said...

Great lists, but I have to call you out on asterisking Fat Bitch. The joy of the Fat Bitch is to use the name normally in conversation, such as "I had too many Fat Bitches last night, I feel like crap today, or "that Fat Bitch was delicious" to the bewilderment of the listening or reading public. Hashtagging is OK though.

Igor said...

I don't f-ing hashtag. Hash doesn't even belong in that goobery word, it belongs in places like The Grasshopper where people have "troubled times" and where people say things like, "If you don't know, mon, aaaask somebody."

A valid point on asterisking fat bitch, however. By the way, that fat bitch I had the last time I was in Jersey was extra greasy.

Dave said...

sometimes you think you're getting involved with a fat bitch and you end up with a fat bastard.

what is hashtagging?

i will look it up.

Dave said...

i'll never understand twitter.

zman said...

I hope you turn this into a Ghostface Fillah post titled "More Fish."

Igor said...

Things I learned from googling "greasetrucks menu":

1. They now deliver. DELIVERY HOURS: 6:00 PM TO 3:00 AM, 732-672-9388. The Surgeon General winces.

2. There is a "Fat Fellatio" sandwich. Only in NJ can this past muster (mustard).

3. Only two of the sandwiches on this one truck are variations of the actual Fat Cat with the burgers. [The Fat Buddha (sic) and the Fat Bedi-Boy (sick).] The others are all variations on the original cheesesteak w/ egg... which I don't see on there.

4. Spelling is optional in New Brunswick. I'm looking at you, Fat Phillipino.

5. Elvis's real name was Jason?

Lecky said...

Wasn't Paul Hayden Church hashtagging a Fat Bitch in Sideways? So was that fat bastard when they got the wallet back

Lecky said...

Meant Thomas Hayden Church, driving on the NJ Turnpike

Dave said...

these comments are getting incomprehensible. i didn't both putting my falafel in a pita since it didn't count as a taco.

rob said...

thanks for the clarity

A New Sentence Every Day, Hand Crafted from the Finest Corinthian Leather.